I have never wanted to have the typical LDS wedding reception open house because, I can't emphasize this more, I do not like being around people I do not like.
I never wanted the line, having to shake hands with strangers, live through forced hugs with distant relatives.
All I wanted was a breathtakingly beautiful reception filled with people I hold dear. (This is also how I'd like my funeral. So, ya know, take note.)
On the 4th of July, I video chatted with my big sister Deborah for a long time. We talked about a lot of things, but we discussed what I want in my life, and how to get there. She told me that I had everyone's support and not to stay in something that wasn't exactly what I wanted. She asked what I wanted and I responded with five kids and a home salon.
After that call, I went back into Derrick's apartment and he asked why I was crying. I tried to brush him off, but he is great and wants to know what is bothering me and how he can make it better. I basically said that I need to know our life goals are the same, I need to know what our future looks like, if we have one. He basically said he hopes I am his future. He would KILL ME for discussing this personal conversation. He feels what is personal should remain personal. So I'll leave it at that fact that we wanted to be in each other's futures, we wanted an eventual wedding...I wanted this fall, he wanted maybe next spring or summer or sometime in the future.
Derrick proposed on the morning of my birthday, on the front porch of my parent's house. He wanted to do it at my childhood home, with my family. He did it in front of my parents and nieces Caroline and Emma Kate. He chose a beautiful ring (Hallelujah. He wouldn't let me look at rings with him, he is very traditional in many ways.) of a ruby center stone and white sapphires. I had told him I did not want a diamond ring. I just wanted a kind-of-big ring that had rubies. He was adamant it needed a center stone, because that is traditional. It is lovely, I really really really like it.
Because we were moving to Washington in only a few days, my mom sat us down and asked to plan out the wedding. Aaaaaaaaah, uh, I don't know! So we did our best, threw out some ideas, started to suss out what we wanted.
We wrote out a list of people. DRawk's family and friends would be coming from Colorado and Texas, so I felt it appropriate for his list to be included completely. Then my parents' list, because they were hosting the event, and my list (which was slapped together off the top of my head and a quick scroll through my Facebook friends list). The number was capped around 120 or so, whatever it was that Meridith had had, to fit in the cultural hall of the nearby church building.
Derrick's list was somewhere around 20, the parentals list was enormous because it included all of my siblings and their kids and all of my aunts and uncles. I decided that cousins were not invited, because the list was already ridiculously long, and I am not friends with my cousins anyway (except one, but she was included on my friend list).
There were many people who I did not include on my list, especially because of the limit of guests. I had to draw a line in the sand, and decide what constituted someone I should invite. I decided something along the lines of, if I looked out at the guests and was saddened I didn't see them, they should be on the list. If I was inviting them purely out of guilt or feeling obligated I took them off the list.
I wanted to be able to say we had everyone we wanted to be there, and that everyone who was there was someone we wanted to be with.
Yeah...didn't really happen. Blah. People inviting themselves. People inviting other people. People asking my mother, who's obligation was to being welcoming to everyone rather than my super selfish outlook of I do not like being around people I do not like being around, so she ok'ed all sorts of extra guests or did not correct people when they invited themselves.
UGH. If I haven't said one word to you in 20+ years, or have never met you, there is a giant possibility that I do not want you at my most vulnerable moments. Ya know, just a thought.
I do not even like my parents discussing my current living arrangements or career with strangers and extended family and pretty much anyone. I do not like people being privy to things I do not tell them myself. (And with how much I dislike talking to people I do not know/enjoy, that doesn't happen much.)
I deal with my life a very special way. I deal with my awkwardnesses and anxieties and things I purposely avoid by very carefully choosing who is entered into my circle.
I know this is not how others do things. I know according to everyone I should just be loving and friendly and welcoming to all.
"Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet."
So, yeah. People were at my wedding who I was not happy about, and thoroughly uncomfortable that they took part in a very personal situation, and annoyed that they were even there by self-inviting measures.
And even more annoyed that the world doesn't cater to me and my needs and every desire and WHY DO YOU LIKE ME AND WANT TO BE INVOLVED? I HAVE NEVER EVEN BEEN NICE TO YOU! I AVOID YOUR EYE CONTACT AND GET OUT OF CONVERSATION AS QUICKLY AS I ACCIDENTALLY GET INTO THEM!
(hahahahahahaha. I'm kidding. Ok, like 90% kidding. Ok, like 42% kidding. Ok, I'm not kidding.)