Wednesday, August 02, 2017

Our little boy!

Oh Señor, you are a little boy! Yay!
Derrick wanted a son, so I'm happy for him. I really didn't have a preference. I love the girl names we had picked out, but I'm happy with a little guy.

A couple of months ago, while in the line at the city dump, I asked Derrick what he wanted to do in regards to this kid: did he want to find out what we are having? He said, "Yeah, I want to do one of those videos..." Huh? Oh, a gender reveal party, gotcha. He said he wanted to find out, and then surprise our family, but I said I'd rather be surprised than surprise others. So we decided to ask my sister-in-law, Aliesha if she would help us with the surprise. She readily agreed and we chose the date of Saturday, July 29 for the party because it was the week of my birthday (and a good excuse to get people together) and I would be 20 weeks along.

So! We got an ultrasound done the second week of July, which was an okay experience. She pushed really hard, which hurt a bit. The technician seemed quite capable, but was very quick, it was a very in-and-out situation. She hurriedly pointed out the face, spine and leg and then said it was time to close our eyes and wiggled the wand around my abdomen for a second before telling us we were all done, and it was time to wipe off the goo.

At one point there was a titch of movement and Derrick asked if that was the baby moving, the technician said yes, but it really looked like she'd pushed it just a bit with the wand, it didn't look like real movement. That was a bit worrisome. It just looked like a picture. Stillness. Ugh.

And my baby's face looked like an alien, hahahaha.

I asked the technician if she was SURE she could tell what it was, because I didn't want to do a reveal if there was a big chance it'd change. (I didn't care one way or the other, I just didn't want a bait-and-switch situation.) She brushed off my concerns with a quick, "Yeah, I'm sure."

Ughhhhh... stress, worry, the usual.

My anxieties won out and I scheduled an ultrasound at an independent shop on the morning of Pioneer Day, less than 20 hours before I turned 33.
Such a different experience. (I absolutely always have the "Such a difference" line from Return To Me pop in my head when I think something similar. "I got sick on Swiss water once." Hahaha)

It really was a better experience, though. Firstly, THE BABY WAS SO WIGGLY! Yayyyyyy!
She pointed out that it's hand was up by it's face, and it's mouth was moving. We asked if he was sucking his thumb, and she said he probably was. Awwww. At one point his arm was up by his head, almost waving. My heart melted at the sight of that little kid. My kid. Our kid. Ugh, so cute, that tiny arm.

She didn't push hard with the wand and the picture was so much clearer and I could actually tell what was happening. It calmed anxieties I didn't even realize I'd had.
She had us close our eyes and got the money shots, and said she was completely certain the sex of our baby. She told us she would not say one way or the other if she weren't certain. Yay!

And the baby's face looked more like a skeleton than an alien! Yay!

On the way to Aliesha's, to drop off the second sealed envelope before I got a chance to give in and rip it open, haha, Derrick started planting horrible thoughts in my mind, haha. "What if it says something different than the first one? What if one says one thing and the other one says the other?" Ugggggh. Finally I realized we'd go by the newer, clearer one. But just to be safe, we'd have Aliesha open the envelope while we were there, so I'd know for sure they didn't say two different things. Hahahaha
(Worrying about everything all the time is SO MUCH FUN, lemme tell ya.)






We decided on Super Mario Bros theme, because I'd seen a cute picture of a Super Mario Bros nursery, and wanted to do that for our nursery.

We debated over and over how to do the reveal. Little figures popping up out of a warp pipe? A light up ? box? A piñata?
We finally decided on punching up on a ? box that I would paint. So I worked on that box, colored pixelated coins, painted Princess Peach crowns, painted a ? block for a photo backdrop, made clouds and a warp pipe for the photo back drop, and other little crafts. Derrick painted Koopa Troopa shells and little warp pipes he'd cut out of thin foam.
Derrick and Emma helped me cut out the coins, which took FOREVER.

Alexa's cousin helped by mowing the backyard and sweeping the grass off the back patio, Alexa helped decorate with Sophia and Emma. And miss 'Quattie Elizabeth decorated the front walkway in sidewalk chalk.
Derrick did made the sandwiches and other food prep, I made the batter and Emma cooked the cupcakes and Sophia helped frost them, I made the various ingredients for the peach cobbler trifle (two puddings and a crumble) and Deborah helped layer them, and Jared cut up strawberries.
Aliesha did the preparations on the reveal box, which was AWESOME, and Clarke put together the music, including fun songs for when we found out it was a little guy.
I really need SO MANY HANDS for my big projects like this. I'm very appreciative for everyone jumping in and helping out.








It got super overwhelming.

Between super high anxiety, stress to get it all perfect, tons of noise, people asking me tons of questions, having to greet guests while still prepping things, etc... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh.
People (ok, like three siblings) kept pushing to do the reveal, by yelling things like "LET'S DO THIS!" while I was trying to greet guests and show them around the new place at their request. Not helpful one bit. Frankly, super annoying.

I was starving, and by the time I actually was able to put something on a plate and sit down I was bombarded with people demanding it was time. Can I please breathe for a second? Maybe one minute?

When we did the actual reveal, I was so incredibly flustered. I was trying to figure out with Derrick if we were doing a recording, or going live on Facebook? Aliesha had told us to feel for the pole, and we had to hit it just right, or the reveal wouldn't work as intended. Clarke had told us we had to wait for the end of the music he'd prepared before punching it.

We quickly went live, handed off my phone, tried to shush the people yelling "DO IT!" while we waited for the music, felt for the pole, and suddenly it was time to punch it!
I was trying so hard to just be in the moment. That's something I struggle with. My brain is a constant barrage of thoughts, often competing. I tried to be there, not listening to everyone yell, not worrying about the video of me going out to 600+ people, not worrying about what reaction I SHOULD have... but I failed at all that.

He punched, I flailingly punched as a reaction to his punch. Green came out. My mind went somewhere... Green? How do I react? What should I do? What is Derrick doing? Am I happy? Am I disappointed? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah.

So it looks weird on video. At least to me. I look like I have no reaction whatsoever. Instead it was about eleven different reactions at once.

If I had had a moment of clear thought, instead of rushing to please people, I'd have remembered to explain to everyone why we were doing bright pink and green rather than the blush pink and baby blue, as is usual.
I explained it after the fact to Derrick's grandma:


Firstly, I am just not one to do the exact same thing everyone else does.The nursery theme is Super Mario Bros (the video game from 1985), and so we decided to have the birthday party/surprise reveal also Super Mario Bros themed.
The male/female pair of the video game are colored Red and Pink, which are far too close for a fun reveal.
I've always preferred Luigi to Mario, anyway. I'm a younger sibling, and the younger siblings always got to be Second Player, which is Luigi. And in Super Mario Bros 2, Luigi has an extended jump in play, which is helpful, and made me love him more.
Therefore, green. 







But yay! A boy!


Now it's the waiting game and the debating what to name the sweet little guy. We have ideas, but it's not solidified. Less than 19 weeks time until we should get to meet him.

Friday, June 02, 2017

Aversions

I'm about 12 weeks along, which I've read is when most people have a doctor appointment. I, however, have no money. No money + no insurance = no doctor appointment this week.

The intense hunger symptoms, and the subsequent pains, have subsided. HALLELUJAH.

I had my appetite back for a second there, which was nice. But I'm back to aversions and taking two bites and not wanting the rest. Now it is hit or miss. Maybe I'll actually want the thing in front of me, maybe I'll want to throw it away.

A couple of days after finding out I am pregnant, I suddenly gained 9 lbs along with the horrible bloated feeling. I dropped those 9 lbs, and 3 more. Haha, so, uh, I'm going to end my first semester weighing less than I did beforehand.
I know they say I should gain like 15-20 lbs, but I'd be just fine with losing 15-20 lbs instead, haha. My pants are getting tight already, which is unfortunate because I can't wear my usual dresses at work. It's supposed to be yoga/athletic pants. So we'll see how that goes.

I got a new job, which I start tomorrow. I haven't told them about Señor. Maybe I should have? Oh well. I guess I'll have to in about 6 weeks, when I learn if Señor is a Señorita. Derrick doesn't want to announce publicly (as in Facebook) until then. He wants to do a gender reveal party, and film the reveal, and then post that. So we'll see.

I'm feeling pretty good nowadays. I can definitely feel when I overdo it, like while we were ripping out carpet and stuff out of the house we are going to move in to. The pain I was getting was like a stitch in the side while running, but in my lower abdomen. Oops. Too much. Otherwise, just little twinges or feeling like I've been doing crunches. Hopefully good signs that things are growing, right?

My worry meter is still pretty high, but I've calmed down a bit. I'd be a lot calmer if I could get checked out, but that will have to wait until I can pay for it. My first paycheck is in a little over two weeks, so hopefully that'll be enough for bills and groceries to stock the new house, as well as check on this little thing growing in my innards.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

mutant sliver slice

I am starving.

I. Am.
STARVING.

None of this oops-I'm-hungry-again-quickly crap. Oh no. It is pure YOU-ARE-DYING-OF-MALNUTRITION every two hours or so.
Ok, I say two hours because that sounds normal pregnant-wise. In reality? More like 45 minutes after eating I start to get a twinge of man,-it-was-rude-of-you-to-starve-us-all-day from every organ in my body. Then after another 45 minutes it is ALL DRAMA. Nausea, light-headedness / faintness, stomachache, headache, human sacrifice! cats and dogs living together! mass hysteria!

They say have a cracker or two.

Ha!

They say you only need about 100 extra calories a day the first trimester, about 200 the second, and 300 the third.

Ha!

Nothing I've read prepared me for NEEDING FOOD EVERY HOUR or feeling like my insides were clamoring for the sweet release of death.

While simultaneously being grossed out at the thought of eating anything ever. Like at all. Nothing sounds good. Even when I'm in the actual process of chewing on something, I'm not committed to it.
I'm starving, but don't want to touch anything food related.

I have 3/4ths of a breakfast burrito in the fridge. I took four, maybe five bites? I wanted the burrito SO BAD, but when I put it near my mouth my entire digestive system shuddered and clenched in a don't-you-dare-put-that-in-here way.

-----

In other news, we told my parents about Señor on Sunday, 5/7/17. So that was fun. I'd gotten a little treat for them (cinnamon bears for Dad, almond M&Ms for Mom) and wrote a note that said "I'll be home for Christmas" with musical notes and the ultrasounds from last week.
So I guess it's "public" now. I'm not doing the Facebook sort of announcement any time soon. (Maybe June, on the anniversary of our first date? That's pretty cute, right? Or maybe not until Derrick's birthday in July? Who knows.)
I'm not out of the so-called "danger zone", as I'm just under 9 weeks along. But that doesn't really bother me, as I would probably be as open with a loss as I would be with a successful pregnancy. I think, at least. I obviously tend to live a little bit public.

-----

While complaining, I told my mom about the heavy G-force feeling (like going through a loop on a roller coaster) that was in my tummy. She said it's way too early for me to be feeling like that. Uhhhh... I appreciate that you had SEVEN children. It was also 30 years ago at the earliest. And I am currently feeling like this, and have felt like this off and on for oh, about a month. So I'm gonna go ahead and say that it's not too early.

I need to figure out trying to get insurance here and finding a doctor and all that. Ugh.


Friday, May 05, 2017

A flicker

On May 2, Derrick and I went to the ultrasound appointment.
I have been pretty worried that Señor wasn't growing. Not for any reason other than worrying is what I'm really, really good at. 
The nurse/ultrasound technician knew about my worries, so she said, "I'll just let you know right now, I see a heartbeat." Tears welled up.

Then they brought Derrick in the room, and connected the large TV screen to her monitor. She showed us Señor's heartbeat (142), and the little arms sticking out. She said Señor was looking great. So Yay!

After they do the ultrasound, they give all the pictures to their doctor on staff, and he goes over everything. I got the call from his nurse, who said the doctor looked over everything and confirmed a healthy single pregnancy. He said there are no abnormalities and the surrounding organs look healthy as well. Yay!

We are moving back to Utah this weekend, and will probably tell my parents about Señor when we get there. It'd be a bit obvious after a couple hours anyway, haha. I HAVE TO EAT about every 1.5-2.5 hours or I go from feeling fine to suddenly being in nauseated overly-hungry pain. Really really quickly. I'll be good and then bam! I'll feel grossly overly hungry.

At least the exhaustion has gone away, mostly. For now.


Monday, April 24, 2017

The long worry

Hey. It has been a little over two weeks since I learned about Señor. Only two weeks?! SHEESH. Feels like at least a month. Probably because I am a bag o' nerves.

(I also feel 12% bad about calling my embryo "Señor", if she turns out to be a Señorita.)

I am super good at panicking. Being anxious is just like my baseline of sorts. I'm terrified I'll lose Señor. I am almost to 7 weeks along, I know that there is a 90% chance of taking him to term at this point. And that next month it'll be closer to 97%, but I worrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy. I'm doing all that I know how to do to keep it. I cut out caffeine cold turkey. I avoid Listeria-susceptible foods. I drink water allllllll day long. I try to get in a walk (even if it's just a few laps around the grocery store before filling my cart) when I can.

I have an ultrasound in about eight days. I am doing everything I can to keep from convincing myself all these symptoms are a blighted ovum. I worry they won't find a little nugget in there. I worry they won't find a heartbeat. I worry.

As long as that goes well, and there is something flickering in there, I am hoping to have a blip of peace. After that I can sit back and continue to do all I can to keep Señor healthy.

----------

As of right now, symptom-wise, all is pretty okay. I haven't dealt with a lot of the things I've read other people deal with. All sorts of bloating, light nausea, light dizziness, going from fine to extreme hunger pangs to blech-don't-even-want-to-think-about-food within a matter of minutes.
OH, the one thing that bothers me more than others is my back. It's not actual back pain, it's...tightness? Like my back is slowly seizing up? But usually just when I'm on walks or reaching over the shampoo bowl to work on a client.

----------

I've been looking into cutesy announcements. D Rawk tends to have different ideas of what we should do than me. I show him things and he kinda goes, "Hmm". He doesn't emote much, unless he doesn't like something...so it's not always easy to gage how into an idea he is. (Or how into a show he is, or how much he likes the meal I've cooked, or how his day is going, etc.)

I want to see if we can hold out until we move to Utah in July before telling the family. Derrick immediately told his brother. I immediately told Deborah. (We both needed that support, I think.) I will be about 17 weeks along (that is without any date changes that may happen from measuring at ultrasound), only a couple of weeks away from the anatomy scan that may tell if my Señor is a Señorita. So it would be fun to be almost half-way done when I tell everyone. :)

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Señor

So... I'm pregnant.

I wasn't going to test because you get your hopes up, even when you tell yourself not to. Even if you decide you're going to test just to show yourself you're not pregnant, and you can stop questioning things.

I tested April 6th and it was negative. I texted a picture of it to my husband and to my sisters, because boooooooo.
I tested April 7th and there was a faint something.
I tested April 8th and there was a definite second line.
I tested April 11th and there was a dark second line, which appeared quickly.
I was tested April 11th at a clinic, and was told it is indeed positive.

Holy crap. I'm pregnant.

-----------------

The first several days I had such a low heavy feeling. Like when you're on a roller coaster and it's going uphill quickly? That pressure pushing down on you. But just in my lower abdomen.

Then light nausea and slight dizziness. AND SO MUCH BLOATING. I'M ABOUT 3.5 MY USUAL SIZE. SO MUCH BLAAAAAAHHHHH.

------------------

I told Derrick, and he is, ya know, pleased with the idea of having a family, it has always been his life plan, but this soon was not quite what he'd hoped for. The money, or lack thereof, is worrisome.

Actually, I walked into the office where Derrick was playing World of Warcraft, turned on the light and chatted with him, asked how the game was going, etc. Then I casually mentioned that I'm pregnant. He was kind of like, "Hmm, oh really?" nonchalantly. Then he wanted to see the test, then questioned the validity of the lines. hahahaha

I have an ultrasound in a little under two weeks, so we'll see how that goes. Fingers crossed that all goes well. As of right now I'm due 12/13, that may change after the ultrasound.

We've talked baby names since before we got engaged. He likes names that are short and ugly, haha. I like names that are long and classic. Compromise has been an interesting thing. We now have names for either a boy or girl, but I'm sure it'll be a fluid decision until we sign the paperwork.

As of right now, we call it Señor. (Because for the past few months we were growing a green onion in our kitchen, as one does. And we named it Señor Chive, as one does.)


(Wedding ring in the picture as proof it is mine. Plus I like my wedding ring, it is pretty.)

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

irresponsible is my middle name

I really want to go home next month.

The line up for Comic Con is pretty amazing; I mean, they have Weird freakin' Al! I have seen him in concert, what? three, four times? Ugh, I so want to go.
I miss home. I miss my family. I miss my babies. I haven't been home since the wedding, and I was a little distracted that week, to say the least.

I can't afford to fly home. I can't drive home, because we are a one-car family. Derrick can't come with me, because he needs to be at work.

I am trying to convince a couple of co-workers to take a little road trip with me. I told Derrick about this idea over text, he suggested talk about it more when we got home. We sat in our apartment parking lot, still buckled into our seats, and talked for ten or twenty minutes. He asked how I planned to arrange the money, I explained I'd pick up co-workers' shifts to cover the two shifts I would miss, and I'd save all of my tips for a month, and we'd not go out to eat all month. Splitting up the costs, the trip should be about $250 each. Derrick said he felt it was "financially irresponsible" to take this trip.

I burst into tears.

I couldn't help it.

I quietly choked out that I miss home.

My sweet husband pulled me closer and said if there is any way we can figure out covering bills and being caught up on everything, he would be more than happy to have me make the trip.
He is great.

I don't know if it could actually happen. I don't know if my co-workers will really want to, nor if they'd be able to.
But I hope so.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Blarghhhh

I'm pretty lonely.

I mean, I'm always pretty lonely. I've always been pretty much on my own. Now I'm on my own, but with my husband.

I don't need to go out every night, or throw tons of parties or even be around a ton of people. I just need to not stay home every night, and do nothing every night.

Ambivert. I'm drained by social interaction, but I'm drained by being secluded. I need to be with people, but not have any interaction with them. Actually, that sounds exactly like the majority of the time I spend with Derrick, hahaha.

---

Christmas was hard. Blarghhhh.
D-Rawk usually spends the day at his aunt's house, with his cousin and Oma. I usually spend the day at my parents' house, hanging out with 35+ family members.
This year we spent most of the day in separate rooms, occasionally busting out a wolf whistle to let the other know we're thinking of them.

I missed my family a lot.

You know what doesn't help? Like at all? "Your husband is your family now."

Please point this out to me again, everyone. Because I don't think I got it the first several times.
My husband is my family. This tiny family is great, I love it.
You know what DIDN'T happen when I married Derrick? My siblings did not stop existing. My parents did not disappear. My nieces and nephews did not disown me.
I HAVE MORE FAMILY THAN JUST MY HUSBAND AND IT IS FINE IF I MISS THEM!!!

It does not take away from my joy of being with Derrick. I would love if we both could be there, hanging out with everyone. Ya know, without the forced guilt trip of "This is your family now."


Here is the thing, though: Derrick is one guy. He hears all of my stories, all of my jokes, he is the one person I talk to on a consistent basis. He is one of my best friends, absolutely ...But I also miss my friends, and that is okay.

I haven't gone to a movie by myself since May, or maybe April? Which is odd because going to the movies alone is one of my favorite ways to unwind. I can relax by being with people, but not having to even make eye contact with anyone.
I haven't gone to a movie by myself because if I have the time to see a movie, I'd rather spend the time with Derrick. I'd rather go to a movie with HIM, or hang out at home with him. I just enjoy being with him.

But I'm still lonely.

Making friends as an adult is not easy, especially when my ward is made of of 172-year-olds and toddlers. A few of my coworkers are friendly enough, but we tend to work opposite schedules, so my free time is their work time and vice versa.

Blech. I'm going on a drive around Portland tomorrow (after running an errand for my husband), and taking myself to lunch and a movie. We are pretty broke, but I have coupons, gift cards and cash tips.

Sunday, January 01, 2017

Thor and Orion

I have so many thoughts, and none of them follow a cohesive structure. I'm just gonna ramble, ok?...


My husband started a new job this week, and I am relieved because the great savings account I had in August is now empty. He has been worried that he has felt like a mooch, and I've done my best to qualm those worries, while trying to not complain that I've been working all day and I'm tired.
But yay, we will both be exhausted when we get home!

Being married is stressful, but not stressful at all. Like both being managers of a shop together, and trying to run it smoothly, but being able to say "Let's shut down early." and just veg out. Ideally: his needs, the house needs, and then my needs. Reality: a bit of his needs, mostly my needs, his need, maybe something for the house, more of my needs.

Or like today! Slept in, relaxed, fell back to sleep until early afternoon, made myself lunch (he'd eaten breakfast and lunch by then), watched a movie, loaded the dishwasher, watched another movie, he made me dinner, and now I'm watching another movie. And he has been playing video games all day.
But hey, it's a holiday, hahaha. We'll get back to routine within the week.

Derrick is very kind and patient. A sassy jerk, but with a wink.
Me: "Huh, I should probably wait to fill my glass until I sit down, rather than cross the room with a full glass."
Him: "I have shamed you well."

-----

I am almost 58 years old, so if I am going to have kids, I had better be within the next couple of years. My biological clock ticks differently than Derrick's, haha. I feel such a strong need to start a family as soon as possible, he feels such a strong desire to be financially stable with good benefits before we have a family.
He is not wrong, obviously. He's got a good head on those shoulders. But there is so much unknown and not guaranteed! I worry that we'll wait and wait and then find that we can't have kids or something.
But I am great at over-thinking and worrying.


And he wants to name our kids Thor and Orion, so maybe it's best to wait.






Friday, December 09, 2016

I'm gettin' married in the morning; ding dong, the bells are gonna chime

There are only a few little things I'd do differently, if I could rewind and have my wedding over again.

First off- worked my booty off to lose my double chin and get my jawline back. I wish I could look at my pictures with nothing but a smile, rather than a permanent cringe. Ugh. I'll use it as a push to get it back now, but yeah... ugh. >:(

I wish I had gotten a picture with my sisters. I just didn't think about it.

I would've cleaned up my playlist for the luncheon, I did not love how slow and quiet the music was, when I could hear it. The room needed music to liven it up. I'd slapped the playlist together without editing it back down.

I wish I would have turned around and taken in the love of that little room during the ceremony, packed to the gills with people I love (for the most part, but I've already gone there with all my snark, so yeah). I was overwhelmed and having a hard enough time keeping it together, just crying instead of openly weeping. I'm sure looking around the room would've pushed it over the emotional edge.

I wish I'd known how to make the luncheon less awkward. It was just...so...I don't know. I wanted lively conversation, people having fun, and I've gotten feedback saying it was just that, so I'm happy enough. I just would've loved it less quiet and just-sitting-there-ish.

I wish it could've lasted longer. From start to finish it just was so, so quick. I only got to wear my lovely, lovely dress for a few hours. I could've worn that dress for several days. I could've slept in that dress. I love that dress. I feel fantastic in that dress.















(I was so glad my best friends could be there! Sarah and Honeyman and Annie and Brittany have all been my sidekick at one point, or several points in my life. I love these four so much.) 

Thursday, November 24, 2016

There's just a few more hours, that's all the time you've got. A few more hours, before they tie the knot.

I have never wanted to have the typical LDS wedding reception open house because, I can't emphasize this more, I do not like being around people I do not like.

I never wanted the line, having to shake hands with strangers, live through forced hugs with distant relatives.
All I wanted was a breathtakingly beautiful reception filled with people I hold dear. (This is also how I'd like my funeral. So, ya know, take note.)

On the 4th of July, I video chatted with my big sister Deborah for a long time. We talked about a lot of things, but we discussed what I want in my life, and how to get there. She told me that I had everyone's support and not to stay in something that wasn't exactly what I wanted. She asked what I wanted and I responded with five kids and a home salon.
After that call, I went back into Derrick's apartment and he asked why I was crying. I tried to brush him off, but he is great and wants to know what is bothering me and how he can make it better. I basically said that I need to know our life goals are the same, I need to know what our future looks like, if we have one. He basically said he hopes I am his future. He would KILL ME for discussing this personal conversation. He feels what is personal should remain personal. So I'll leave it at that fact that we wanted to be in each other's futures, we wanted an eventual wedding...I wanted this fall, he wanted maybe next spring or summer or sometime in the future.

Derrick proposed on the morning of my birthday, on the front porch of my parent's house. He wanted to do it at my childhood home, with my family. He did it in front of my parents and nieces Caroline and Emma Kate. He chose a beautiful ring (Hallelujah. He wouldn't let me look at rings with him, he is very traditional in many ways.) of a ruby center stone and white sapphires. I had told him I did not want a diamond ring. I just wanted a kind-of-big ring that had rubies. He was adamant it needed a center stone, because that is traditional. It is lovely, I really really really like it.

Because we were moving to Washington in only a few days, my mom sat us down and asked to plan out the wedding. Aaaaaaaaah, uh, I don't know! So we did our best, threw out some ideas, started to suss out what we wanted.

We wrote out a list of people. DRawk's family and friends would be coming from Colorado and Texas, so I felt it appropriate for his list to be included completely. Then my parents' list, because they were hosting the event, and my list (which was slapped together off the top of my head and a quick scroll through my Facebook friends list). The number was capped around 120 or so, whatever it was that Meridith had had, to fit in the cultural hall of the nearby church building.
Derrick's list was somewhere around 20, the parentals list was enormous because it included all of my siblings and their kids and all of my aunts and uncles. I decided that cousins were not invited, because the list was already ridiculously long, and I am not friends with my cousins anyway (except one, but she was included on my friend list).
There were many people who I did not include on my list, especially because of the limit of guests. I had to draw a line in the sand, and decide what constituted someone I should invite. I decided something along the lines of, if I looked out at the guests and was saddened I didn't see them, they should be on the list. If I was inviting them purely out of guilt or feeling obligated I took them off the list.
I wanted to be able to say we had everyone we wanted to be there, and that everyone who was there was someone we wanted to be with.

Yeah...didn't really happen. Blah. People inviting themselves. People inviting other people. People asking my mother, who's obligation was to being welcoming to everyone rather than my super selfish outlook of I do not like being around people I do not like being around, so she ok'ed all sorts of extra guests or did not correct people when they invited themselves.

UGH. If I haven't said one word to you in 20+ years, or have never met you, there is a giant possibility that I do not want you at my most vulnerable moments. Ya know, just a thought.

I do not even like my parents discussing my current living arrangements or career with strangers and extended family and pretty much anyone. I do not like people being privy to things I do not tell them myself. (And with how much I dislike talking to people I do not know/enjoy, that doesn't happen much.)

I deal with my life a very special way. I deal with my awkwardnesses and anxieties and things I purposely avoid by very carefully choosing who is entered into my circle.

I know this is not how others do things. I know according to everyone I should just be loving and friendly and welcoming to all.
Yeah...no.

"Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet."
GROSS. NO.

So, yeah. People were at my wedding who I was not happy about, and thoroughly uncomfortable that they took part in a very personal situation, and annoyed that they were even there by self-inviting measures.
And even more annoyed that the world doesn't cater to me and my needs and every desire and WHY DO YOU LIKE ME AND WANT TO BE INVOLVED? I HAVE NEVER EVEN BEEN NICE TO YOU! I AVOID YOUR EYE CONTACT AND GET OUT OF CONVERSATION AS QUICKLY AS I ACCIDENTALLY GET INTO THEM!
(hahahahahahaha. I'm kidding. Ok, like 90% kidding. Ok, like 42% kidding. Ok, I'm not kidding.)

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

I gotta be there in the mornin', spruced up and lookin' in me prime

So, uh...

I got married.

Yeah.

I genuinely didn't really think that'd happen. It still doesn't even feel real. I know I hang out with this great guy all the time, but it's so bonkers that he is my HUSBAND and that this is it for good.

I had a really hard time being in the moment and really wrapping my head around the idea day-of.
Everyone says their day went really quickly, but mine really, really did. And not just in my head. Because the whole thing was from 11:30 to about 2:30.

I wish it were longer. I wish it were an all-day situation. I wish I could be wrapped up in the sweetness for all day. So much time and effort and tears and stress and work and it was all over so very quickly.

I mean, it was planned that way, it's not like something bad happened and everyone left suddenly. I planned it that way to make it simple for everyone involved.

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Well, I should back up...
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Thursday, July 21, 2016

Boxes, tape and Sharpies...oh my

I am sick of living in Colorado. I would've moved back to Utah in November, after my car accident, if I didn't have Derrick in my life. This guy is pretty great, and it would suck to live far away from him. So I stuck it out, I stayed working where I had no friends, I stayed in uncomfortable situations.

A few months ago I told Derrick that I am done. He asked, "So what are you saying?" I said, "I want to leave here, but I don't want to leave you." After some discussion, he asked "What can I do to help you be happy?" I again said that I want to leave, but not leave him. He has always wanted to move to Portland. I told him I will not move in with him, but I would love to move to Portland and explore a new town with him.

A month later Derrick offered to help me save money for the move by moving out of Elle's house and living rent-free in the man cave in their garage. (It houses a couch, dining table, recliner, TV) His roommate Derek was fine with the idea. My parents freaked out at the idea. On April 28th my mom offered to take me to Hawaii with the catch that I had to move home. No. Stressed about what to do, I visited Derrick at work and asked if he'd take his lunch break in my car. With me crying about not knowing what to do, we talked about our future and Derrick said, "I know I've never said this to you before, but I love you." He is great and we are very similar and very different.

So I spent a few weeks packing up everything I have in Colorado (which has seemed to triple since moving here a year ago), and moving it all into the garage of Derrick & Derek.

Wow. The past six weeks have been NIGHT AND DAY from the previous year. I quit being a floater for the salons, and switched to being full-time at the salon five minutes from Derrick's house, and went to a restricted schedule to have Sundays off. So very nice. My anxiety levels have dropped considerably (also helps that I went back on Prozac a few months ago I was having a really hard time at work, sick to my stomach and shaky and panicked. I tried Celexa for two weeks, but had crazy irregular heartbeats that really freaked me out...like to the point of sending Elle a text at 4 a.m. asking her to check on me when she woke up, just to make sure I was alive and kicking.)

Really, it has been so pleasant. I hang out with Derrick for a good chunk of the evening, and hang out alone on the couch with my iPad for a good chunk of the night.

Now we are packing up all of his belongings this week, for our move to the Pacific Northwest. We both quit our jobs already, and have the next three days to get everything done. It's so much work, lots of little details you don't think about...like getting my mail from Elle, refilling prescriptions, and random little things like that.
We got the kitchen, bathroom and closet packed up, today we are working on the electronics we don't need for the next couple of days (TV, speakers, etc.)
Soon we will do the big things: couch, bed, desk, dresser, side tables, etc.

A little bit crazy, yes, but I love being with Derrick. Yesterday while we were driving to Fort Collins, Derrick looked at me and said, "I know we are going to be happy." I agree. Giving service to him is my daily goal, and I know we will enjoy exploring the new city together.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Steamy Perfection

Oh my goodness.

But really. Oh my goodness.

Derrick is from Round Rock, Texas. This is especially fun because he introduces me to good ol' Texas barbecue. :)

He has been excited about the idea of the existence of a Rudy's BBQ in Greeley, Colorado. Apparently they opened yesterday, but I had to work late. After the whole running-out-of-gas thing, I jumped in his truck and we headed over to the new restaurant, which is next to a Texas Roadhouse, which we both thought was odd, but whatevs.

The whole place was pretty packed. There was the buzz of excitement and newness and opening weekend fun. We stood in line for quite a while, but it gave me enough time to actually peruse the menu (I get such ordering anxiety. Ugh.) My sweet boyfriend explained their menu and how they did things and recommended his favorites. He ordered the brisket sandwich and coleslaw and I ordered the smoked potato with pulled pork and the small creamed corn.

Oh my goodness.

I tasted one spoonful of the creamed corn and immediately told Derrick I wanted to bathe in it. Amazing. Just...yeah, amazing. I have loved creamed corn pretty much always, but usually creamed corn has a canned corn metallic tinge and a gelatinous thickener.
This creamed corn is simply perfection. PERFECTION, I TELL YOU.

Fresh corn-on-the-cob flavor in the kernels, and the cream is like the milk from a pressed kernel, but creamier. A little garlic, salt, pepper, and a dash of STEAMY PERFECTION. Nothing gelatinous in it. Not a bit. Just warm, fresh, amazing corn. Mmmmmm.








AND THEN!
Oh, and then!

I thought it couldn't get any better.
My plastic fork didn't hit any resistance as I scooped into the flesh of the potato. I put it in my mouth and it MELTED. It melted. The potato just melted into a velvety mix of smoky, buttery goodness.

I might have moaned.
It was amazing.




Friday, May 20, 2016

A Special Kind of Frustrating

Today needed a redo button.

I have been the "floater" for this district of this market (from Fort Collins to Firestone), and I get my schedule texted to me by the GM, Pon. Occasionally I will see that the schedule in the salon has me marked for a little bit different of a schedule than I have. (Usually keeping me on the clock an hour or two later, rarely letting me off earlier.)
Yesterday I noticed that I was written down as a 10-7 shift, and Pon was on the schedule for 9-5/6, which was the schedule she had texted me that I was was working. I asked the employees of that store and the assistant manager told me to come in at the scheduled 10 o'clock shift. Later, as we closed the salon together, he told me that I should come in at 11 instead, because we had been so slow that payroll would be terrible.
I woke up waaaay too early this morning, so I eventually fell back to sleep, knowing I wouldn't have to leave the house until 10:15. I woke up to my phone ringing, it was Pon. She left a voicemail saying I was supposed to be at the salon, and I wasn't there... uh... I called her back and explained what I was told. So she asked me to head down there as soon as I could. I got there at 10:25, and the assistant manager had been holding down the fort all by himself for an hour and a half. Hahaha. Oops. (Then the next three employees were all late by at least ten minutes.) Rough morning all around.

When I got off work I drove back to Loveland from Longmont and went on a little drive, stopping by a lake I had never seen before. Derrick called (which is delightful in itself, as I rarely talk to him on the phone), and suggested I meet at his house in Greeley and go to the BBQ restaurant that just opened. I told him I'll be right behind him, but I probably have to get gas first.
My new car counts down the miles left until the tank is empty. This is really cool, I like it, I've never had that feature before. I like knowing that my car runs about 390-405 miles on a tank, which usually costs me about $25.
HOWEVER, it stops counting down at like 40 miles left...so, although I know I should just always keep it over halfway full, I wish I knew when I was getting down to fumes.
I got about 15 minutes away from his house when suddenly the car chugged. Oh crap on a stick. I had missed my turn into the gas station a few feet back because I was distracted by avoiding the man on the motorcycle who had just winked at me as I accidentally caught his eye while I applied lipstick.

Crappity crap crap. Chug, slow down, chug.

So I turned as soon off the interstate as quickly as possible, coasted down a street, kind of Flinstoned it through the roundabout, and then came to a stop. Blah.
I threw on my hazard lights and called Derrick, laughing pretty hysterically. Of course I ran out of gas. Of course I did.
I got out and pushed it down the street and kind of around a corner. A man with long dirty hair and a really long dirty beard was riding a bike down the street and stopped and told me I'd be fine to leave it there in the road because my hazards are on and the cops in Johnstown are pretty chill about it. I told him I was going to push it off into the dirt road area regardless, so he got off his bike and helped me push it. Right as we got it in place I saw that another guy had stopped his car and was running toward us. He saw me put it in park and shut the door and he stopped running, stood there for a minute, turned around and walked back to his car. Sweet.

Derrick went all the way to his house, got the gas can, went to the gas station and came all the way back to where I was parked. 45 minutes. So nice.

Derrick has never run out of gas, because he takes care of things like that...I obviously don't. I hate pumping gas. I don't know why, but I just have never liked it. I love going to gas stations and getting treats and a soda and things like that, but I just can't get myself to pump the dang gas.

Derrick was probably frustrated with me, but he was very kind and put the gas in and said "We are going to stop at the Shell station nearby before we go anywhere else." and "How does this happen? I have never done this. How does this even happen?" Hahaha, I am a special kind of frustrating.