Saturday, August 11, 2018

Exciting insecurities

Deciding to pursue promoting myself and my business is equal parts so freaking exciting and absolutely terrifying. Few things bring out the insecurities the way this has!

I really dislike being fake and those who are fake toward me. I really, really dislike being marketed to in a fake way. This week I got a Facebook message from someone I haven't spoken to (IRL or not) in at least a decade. Her message, the first message in many many years, was an invitation to buy a product (I don't need) through her.
Hmmm. Yeah, no thanks.

Ugh, this all makes me so insecure.
I am a little terrified that I will come across this way if I start promoting myself. I just can't be fake about it.
And the moment I promote myself I am immediately convinced I can't do hair. Can not. Blahhhhh. I book out a day and then am panicked until the day is over. Even with people I've done before.

I mean, I have screwed up before. I've done beauuuutiful hair as well. But the great cuts, which are the majority, don't stick in my mind the way the too-short bangs do. Well-blended fades don't come to mind as I fall asleep at night the way over-thinning does. Or a face frame that started higher than desired. Or the little scratch on the little boy's neckline. Or the layering that didn't sit right. Or that snippy comment of "You did it right the first time, but you haven't gotten it right since."

Ugggggggggggggggghhh.  *deep sigh*  I'm trying, and that is what I can do. The bad this week hasn't happened, and probably (might) not happen. Don't overthink it, Susannah. Breathe. Anxiety suuuuuuucks.

But also, I'm just SO EXCITED! Having my own company (albeit a tiny one) is thoroughly overwhelming in the most delightful way. I have lists and lists of things I want to do. It's going to be (and already has been, in a smaller way) really stretching and growing personally. I have to hunker down and be organized and on top of things in a way that I've never done. Especially with starting to keep Jeremiah on a full schedule, which is not easy for me as well.

I need several hundreds of dollars upfront to really make things how I want them, but this is *definitely* not a possibility. (Turns out cutting back your hours at work from full-time to 4-5 hours a week somehow makes it impossible to succeed financially. Who woulda thunk it. Good thing my sweet baby boy is completely worth the tears of stress of being so incredibly broke.)

I want:
* different chairs for my observation waiting area (right now they're metal folding chairs)
* a futon for the carpeted waiting area
* a credenza for my TV and DVD player
* a booster seat (right now I'm using a shelf, haha)
* shelving for retail products
* retail products
* business cards (need to first solidify my brand and logo and all that jazz)
* fix the hydraulics on my chair (right now it only pumps up a tiny bit, and only if no one is sitting in it, hahaha.)

As of right now, I have a general theme of pop culture. (Do what you know, right?) A framed picture of me with Sean Astin and my nieces and one of Alan Tudyk and me are on the wall right now. I am thinking of framing my autographed headshots, but I'm not sure yet.

Most of my Wonder Woman posters are in frames now, but there are about 3 that I want to frame still. Then I have to decide if I want to stick with just Wonder Woman, or if I want to put up my few Star Wars artwork or frame up my many Ninja Turtles pieces for the waiting area. Oooo. After I decide that, I can start putting up the pieces. Because the wall is cement, I have to use Command hooks and really be sure of the location I want it to be.

I think I want some sort of shelving to house my many Funko Pop! and other brand figurines. All my nerdy goodies. Right now most of them are on the bookshelf in the living room, which I love, but they'd do well downstairs. Except I really don't want little hands all over them. So shelving at my eye level. Hahahahaha

I need to plug in the micro fridge, which holds 6 soda cans. I think that will be nice. :)

I'm working on cleaning out the garage, so clients can come through the garage to the door that leads right down the stairs. For several reasons, but mostly it will be nice to have a direct route that doesn't include knowing whether or not I'm up on doing the dishes or folding the laundry. Trying to keep a general idea of professionalism is difficult when you lead a client past the baby's diaper-changing station (which is on the dining room table, which sounds super weird now that I'm writing it up, but works well for us because we spend a lot more time in that area of the house than in Jeremiah's room). 


All in all, I am just so excited for the possibilities. It has potential to be exactly what I need to push myself in my career and take care of my family simultaneously. I'm trying to not worry about what could happen and believe in myself.
...now I just need to convince people to come to me, hopefully 8-15 such people a week. (Oh goodness, I'm overwhelmed again. Blech.)


Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

IVs and hospital gowns

And then I had a baby.

That is the most crazy-talk sentence to ever exist.

Holy crappppp, I had a baby.

-----

We signed in at labor & delivery and got our wristbands before being led to our room. We met who would be our overnight nurse, Rachel. She gave me a lovely blue hospital gown, which was oh so flattering, that I covered with a thin robe.
We settled in for what we knew would be a long process.
I took little notes on my phone:

Thursday
6:15 pm-   Got to Labor & Delivery
7:00 pm-   IV placed
7:45 pm-   Ripening medication started
10:50 pm- Second dose of medication
Friday
2:00 am-   Third dose of medication
2:00 am-   Barely dilated at all; Will page doctor at 5:15 to ask about fourth dose or starting pitocin
6:00 am-   Started Cervadil
8:30 am-   Had a breakfast sandwich (meh.) took off the IV temporarily, stood and stretched
8:40 am-   Dr stopped by, will be back near noon
12:00 pm- Dr stopped by. Still just barely dilated.
12:20 pm- Took off IV temporarily, stood and stretched
2:10 pm-   Anesthesiologist called in
2:24 pm-   Epidural in and started to numb
2:50 pm-   Started pitocin. Still barely, barely dilated
5:30 pm-   Pitocin turned down to avoid distress, contractions too close together
5:30 pm-   1.5 dilated and 70% effaced
8:00 pm-   Water broken, sensor put on baby's head
Saturday
6:50 am-    Dilated to "a tight 4", still 70% effaced, baby in high postion
6:55 am-    Peanut ball between knees to take pressure off hips
12:15 pm-  Dilated to a 5, baby in high position
1:05 pm-    Shaking and nauseated, threw up once
3:00 pm-    Regressed to a 4, baby in high position
3:01 pm-    Decision made, preparations for c-section started
3:41 pm-    Jeremiah Robert born, taken to NICU
4:47 pm-    Introduced to Jeremiah via FaceTime from NICU
5:05 pm-    Jeremiah brought into room
8:45 pm-    Jeremiah brought into recovery Mother & Baby room; held for the first time

I wanted to get the timeline written down so I'd remember it, but I'll expound on it for future reading...




Thursday, November 30, 2017

And away we go

Went to the Dr appointment yesterday, all ready for whatever may happen. Derrick was more prepared than me; he had the car packed with our bags...I, however, left an open bowl of soup on the kitchen counter. Oops.

I weighed in and have gained back everything I lost in this pregnancy, plus gaining about 3 lbs. Ugh. I mean, in reality, gaining 3 lbs in a pregnancy is pretty much nothing. But it meant bad things, because with the swelling in my hands and legs and ankles, along with super roller coaster blood pressure and elevated protein levels, it could mean pre-eclampsia developing at any moment. Stresssss

My blood pressure was good, which I'm happy about. I'd felt like Señor had dropped because when I was sitting on the bed I noticed in the mirror that I didn't look like I had a pregnant belly anymore, just too much weight. So I stood up and realized I no longer had a hard bump starting at my empire waistline, it was now squishy and flat...well, as flat as it gets. So I was pleased, because maybe my body is starting to get ready! No traumatic induction!

But then the Dr measured my belly and said it wasn't measuring any smaller, which it should be. Ugh. I don't really put much faith in the belly measurement, because I have flesh regardless of if there is a little guy in there or not. So, yeah, ugh.
Also, my body is completely not ready. No dilation, no anything. So, yeah, long traumatic induction, probably.


Dr. was sighing heavily while typing up his notes, and then stepped out to make a phone call. He called the perinatologist and basically asked their opinion and got me on the schedule for an ultrasound. He mentioned my "big belly" on the phone call, and a possibility of a c-section. Ugh.

He came back and explained he can't tell if baby is breech, because he can't actually feel which way he is facing. He found the heart tones much higher than he expected to, if he were in correct position. And he was worried about Señor's size, and how the fundal height was too big.
He said he never recommends a c-section over flipping and inducing, but I may be the exception. Yay.

So today we went to our previously scheduled non-stress test and then stepped into the next hallway over for the ultrasound.
I'm very happy to say Señor is still head down, yaaaay!! And is estimated close to 8 lbs still.

SO, YEAH... When we got home from the hospital I realized I had a voicemail saying they wanted us to come in tonight to get the induction started. I am to call the hospital in just over an hour from now, at 5, and they will probably have us come in around 6.

I am under strict instructions from Derrick to watch a funny movie. He said watching a crime show will make me anxious, haha, but a funny movie will release the endorphins I need. He is great, I like him.

So I'm watching Ghostbusters 2, trying to relax, trying to breathe deeply and keep the anxiety at bay.

I AM GOING TO THE HOSPITAL TONIGHT TO HAVE A BABY. THIS IS CRAZY.

So I'm fingers-crossing it that he'll be here by Saturday afternoon. Without anything too traumatic.


Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Headaches and Cankles, a love story

About an hour after waking up, I noticed my legs/ankles/feet were even bigger than usual. They were more appropriately sized for falling asleep upright in a chair, not horizontally in bed.


So I assumed the position on the recliner portion of the couch, and propped them as high as I could.

Yesterday I had to get another blood draw, so while I was there I asked our favorite nurse if she'd check my blood pressure. It was good. So yay!
Then when we got home, Derrick went inside and I went straight down to the hospital to get my weekly fluid level check and bi-weekly non-stress test. My blood pressure was 123/69 while I was there. So they were pleased.

Around 6:00 tonight, I got a call from the nurse, saying my test results had come back and that I do indeed have elevated protein levels. I told her about being super puffy when I woke up, so she asked if I knew my blood pressure today. I said no, but I was going to stop by the grocery store and do the little machine in the pharmacy there. The nurse said that was a good idea, and told me to be aware of and on the look out for other warning signs, such as headache, liver pain, and visual disturbances.

When I got to the pharmacy my numbers were insane (187 over 96). I tried to do some deep breaths for a few minutes before trying again, and it had come down quite a bit. I tested about four times. They were elevated, but not scary high. I decided to do the shopping I needed to get done, and check again before leaving.

After checking out, my blood pressure had come down even more, to 120 over 81. I'd been keeping in touch with Derrick, and he was worried about my numbers, but I told him I felt okay with putting my feet up for the night and seeing my doctor at our appointment tomorrow afternoon. He agreed to it, but is still worried.

I have been laying on the couch again, with my feet propped. It's 3:15 a.m., and my sweet husband went to bed around midnight. I had the beginning of a headache around then, and he adamantly made me promise to let him know if it gets worse. It hasn't gotten worse, it just hasn't gone away. It's just one of those mild-ache-through-the-back-of-the-head tension sort of headaches, like I've been getting off and on all month with my cold.

I had started packing my hospital bag yesterday, but finished throwing things in it when I got home this evening. Not much in there, just nightgowns and toiletries, basically. Derrick filled a backpack with a few things and snacks. Señor's bag is packed with a couple of outfits and the gift I got Derrick.
I've been super excited to give it to him, I bought it MONTHS ago. You know, when I actually had a few dollars. Plus I got it for 25% off and free shipping, so I had to.
Derrick hardly emotes, and really doesn't have any sort of reaction to things I am excitedly waiting for a reaction to. I'm trying to get used to this; keeping expectations real is helpful, right? Don't set myself up to be disappointed, haha.
It's just a shirt, so he can't be too non-reactive. He won't be bothered by it, at least. Haha. It's of his NFL team. Hopefully he'll appreciate it vocally enough that my excitement will be satiated, haha.


Anyway. Going in to see the doctor tomorrow, Wednesday afternoon. If all goes according to plan, going in to the hospital for induction early Friday morning. Then hopefully our son will be here by Sunday morning. *fingers crossed* No traumatic induction! That's the goal! Smooth and relatively quick, please!


I am 100% freaked out. I've had several small emotional breakdowns the past two days.


People saying, "You'll be fine!" doesn't help. I know. I don't plan to be anything but fine. I've even planned for what should happen if I die in childbirth. (Although my brother Clarke said today, "You probably won't die." haha)

I really don't need people trying to talk me down and tell me it'll be okay. I just need space to freak out. It's a huge thing! Worthy of freaking out! Validate my emotions!

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

the end

I'm anxious and nervous and sad and grieving.
I'm not ready to not be pregnant.

I could do without the constant heartburn and the heaviness and achy everything, sure. But I am loving this. I get to lay here and watch my American Ninja Warrior do parkour on my innards, feeling the pressure against my organs and watching the shape of my belly warp quickly. I'm a good mom right now! He is healthy according to all scans and non-stress tests, I've kept my blood sugar in check, he is being fed, he is sleeping well. When he comes out, the real test starts. But now? Now I'm doing well. I've got this.


----

It has been an interesting ride lately.
Almost six weeks ago, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I've had SUCH a nice, easy, pleasant pregnancy that I was admittedly completely distraught at the diagnosis. I cried for like two hours. I told Derrick and Deborah, I know it'll be fine and all will be well, but I need a this-sucks day.

After my initial breakdown, I was more annoyed with people's reactions than the diagnosis itself. A few people acted like Of course I'd be diagnosed with diabetes, that's not surprising at all with my body. Listen, DummKopf, it has to do with the hormones secreted by the placenta, and how that interacts with the cells ability to take in glucose, and I have great health in general. So buzz off.

My doctor declared because of the GD he would probably want to induce at 37 weeks, which would be the day before Thanksgiving.

I met with the nurse and dietician and learned what to do to take care of my little guy, then met with the perinatologist and got an ultrasound to check on him. She said he looked great, he was measuring about a week ahead, and was 5.1 lbs that day. We told her our Dr wanted to induce at 37 weeks, and she disagreed and said she'd be thinking between 38-39, around the first week of December.

I followed the plan the nurse and dietician gave me, but my fasting number was staying a bit too high, so they have me shooting up with insulin before bed. Derrick does the job for me, because I just could not do it, I don't think. Thankfully, we got the insulin pen rather than the little syringe and vial. The pen makes life much easier and less nervous, haha.

They set us up for non-stress tests twice a week to check on Señor's fluid levels and his heart function. Each one has been great so far. There was only one time when they had a hard time getting the spikes in heart rhythm that they were looking for, but really the nurse doing the non-stress test was kind of dumb. That was the first and only time she did it on me. It took over an hour, when it usually took about 25-30 minutes.



While at a Dr appointment on November 3, we decided to test both Derrick's and my thyroid function. After getting my blood drawn, we were chatting, and I suddenly was light-headed, and told Derrick such. And then I said I was getting nauseated and just didn't feel well. And then there was SO MUCH pressure pulsating through my head and my hearing went fuzzy and then gone completely and my sight went dark slowly and then gone completely, I got really hot and couldn't breathe...I was getting scared. I remember saying, "I don't like this!" and then I was out.

And then there was a darkness and a calm feeling for a long time. Peaceful.


After what felt like forever, but I'm told was only a couple of minutes, there were really far-away voices, like I was deep under water. Someone was telling me to breathe deeply. I then realized there a water bottle in one hand and a granola bar in the other, but I couldn't think clearly enough to figure out what to do with them, and couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to see them. The voices were still fuzzy, but got louder and someone told me to take a drink, and I struggled so hard. I was trying, but could only get the water bottle up to my chin, and then just kind of froze while my brain was figuring out what to do next.

I have a vague recollection of Derrick wiping down the sweat from my forehead and the nurse putting a wet towel on my neck. (Derrick later told me he ran to grab the nurse as soon as I got wobbly.)
It took about ten minutes to function semi-normally again, but didn't feel well the entire rest of the day. I ended up going to work for about an hour, before being sent home.
(The results of that thyroid test were good, however. So that's great.)
We're not sure why that happened. My blood pressure was 116/70something. My blood sugar had been 91 before eating a large plum, so it shouldn't have been a blood sugar crash. Derrick said he thought it was probably anxiety about getting blood taken, but I'm used to anxiety and that wasn't even that bad, and they hardly took much blood at all (like struggled to even fill a vial), the only thing was that the arm rest thingy was laying across my baby belly, and the phlebotomist was kind of pressing on it while prepping Derrick's arm, so maybe it pressed on a nerve? I don't know. Not a fun situation.




Everything was going well, I was following the plan, keeping my blood sugar numbers great, I even lost a few pounds and got down to a little less than I was at our wedding. Yay. I asked my Dr if he was still thinking we'd have to induce the day before Thanksgiving still. He said no, everything is looking good, we'd probably be looking at 38 or 39 weeks.


...Until I suddenly gained 11 lbs in a week, got a few headaches, and my blood pressure fluctuated from low (111 over 47) in the morning to high (130something over 95ish?) in the afternoon. So my Dr said he was worried I'd develop pre-eclampsia. He said it wasn't to the point that he'd require bedrest, so I asked if he wanted modified rest, reduced movement. He said Yes, exactly, and that I'd need to remember to lower my carb intake because I wouldn't be as active. I asked if there is something I could do to lower the blood pressure, and he said he'd normally say exercise, but that's the opposite of what he wants me doing right now.

So.
He said, "We've been toying with the idea of inducing at 37 weeks, and that is probably solidified now." Boooooo. I said, "If I have any control over it at all..." [he laughed] "could we shoot for a few days after Thanksgiving instead? I'll have siblings in town." He said yes, if things don't get worse and we have some leeway, he would agree with that. So yay. My sisters are planning a baby shower on that Saturday with family members and neighbors, so I'd really love to be able to do that.


But this cute little nose is worth whatever they want me to do.




Sunday, October 22, 2017

Bulldogs





Loooook at these cavapoo puppies!
 I want a dog. Derrick wants a dog more than he wants a kid, hahaha. We can't afford a dog right now, and my dad says we can't have pets in this house we are renting from them, because they'd ruin the carpet and beautiful wood floors. Ugh.

But I waaaaaaant one. They are so sweet!

Derrick wants a bulldog, I want a cavapoo or Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. We agree on a labrador retriever, haha.

He used to send me pictures of bulldog puppies whenever I was having a bad day, haha.

-----

Update:
Derrick has okayed the idea of a cavapoo. That's amazing. Now I want it even more. Obviously this won't be an option for many years, but a girl can dream...


Friday, September 01, 2017

Casey Jones

This kid is so wiggly and kicky and flippy. When I'm at home, relaxing, it is fun to be able to actually see the kicks now! Little blips, like a localized hiccup, haha.

But when he flips around when I'm working, it still feels like the beginning of anxiety. Ack. The stomach flipping feeling is fleeting, but still puts me momentarily on edge, readying for the other symptoms of anxiety to follow. Blech. But he doesn't flip too much while I'm working, I'm hardly standing still long enough to not be rocking him back to sleep.

Sometimes we call him by his probable name now. A few days after we found out I'm pregnant, Derrick came out of his office and suggested a name. I chuckled at the name, because he had suggested we gave him the middle name of Jones for Casey Jones, the character in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, haha. I vetoed that. A few days later I asked if he was serious about the first name, if he liked it. He said yes. I was surprised because I didn't hate it, hahahaha.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Loooove


Señor has been SO WIGGLY today! Which is pleasant and reassuring because I am prone to worry, and when he does a few flips and kicks I am reminded he is doing okay. *contended sigh*

According to an alert on my phone, Señor reached viability and would most likely survive if born this week!

Wednesday, August 02, 2017

Our little boy!

Oh Señor, you are a little boy! Yay!
Derrick wanted a son, so I'm happy for him. I really didn't have a preference. I love the girl names we had picked out, but I'm happy with a little guy.

A couple of months ago, while in the line at the city dump, I asked Derrick what he wanted to do in regards to this kid: did he want to find out what we are having? He said, "Yeah, I want to do one of those videos..." Huh? Oh, a gender reveal party, gotcha. He said he wanted to find out, and then surprise our family, but I said I'd rather be surprised than surprise others. So we decided to ask my sister-in-law, Aliesha if she would help us with the surprise. She readily agreed and we chose the date of Saturday, July 29 for the party because it was the week of my birthday (and a good excuse to get people together) and I would be 20 weeks along.

So! We got an ultrasound done the second week of July, which was an okay experience. She pushed really hard, which hurt a bit. The technician seemed quite capable, but was very quick, it was a very in-and-out situation. She hurriedly pointed out the face, spine and leg and then said it was time to close our eyes and wiggled the wand around my abdomen for a second before telling us we were all done, and it was time to wipe off the goo.

At one point there was a titch of movement and Derrick asked if that was the baby moving, the technician said yes, but it really looked like she'd pushed it just a bit with the wand, it didn't look like real movement. That was a bit worrisome. It just looked like a picture. Stillness. Ugh.

And my baby's face looked like an alien, hahahaha.

I asked the technician if she was SURE she could tell what it was, because I didn't want to do a reveal if there was a big chance it'd change. (I didn't care one way or the other, I just didn't want a bait-and-switch situation.) She brushed off my concerns with a quick, "Yeah, I'm sure."

Ughhhhh... stress, worry, the usual.

My anxieties won out and I scheduled an ultrasound at an independent shop on the morning of Pioneer Day, less than 20 hours before I turned 33.
Such a different experience. (I absolutely always have the "Such a difference" line from Return To Me pop in my head when I think something similar. "I got sick on Swiss water once." Hahaha)

It really was a better experience, though. Firstly, THE BABY WAS SO WIGGLY! Yayyyyyy!
She pointed out that it's hand was up by it's face, and it's mouth was moving. We asked if he was sucking his thumb, and she said he probably was. Awwww. At one point his arm was up by his head, almost waving. My heart melted at the sight of that little kid. My kid. Our kid. Ugh, so cute, that tiny arm.

She didn't push hard with the wand and the picture was so much clearer and I could actually tell what was happening. It calmed anxieties I didn't even realize I'd had.
She had us close our eyes and got the money shots, and said she was completely certain the sex of our baby. She told us she would not say one way or the other if she weren't certain. Yay!

And the baby's face looked more like a skeleton than an alien! Yay!

On the way to Aliesha's, to drop off the second sealed envelope before I got a chance to give in and rip it open, haha, Derrick started planting horrible thoughts in my mind, haha. "What if it says something different than the first one? What if one says one thing and the other one says the other?" Ugggggh. Finally I realized we'd go by the newer, clearer one. But just to be safe, we'd have Aliesha open the envelope while we were there, so I'd know for sure they didn't say two different things. Hahahaha
(Worrying about everything all the time is SO MUCH FUN, lemme tell ya.)






We decided on Super Mario Bros theme, because I'd seen a cute picture of a Super Mario Bros nursery, and wanted to do that for our nursery.

We debated over and over how to do the reveal. Little figures popping up out of a warp pipe? A light up ? box? A piñata?
We finally decided on punching up on a ? box that I would paint. So I worked on that box, colored pixelated coins, painted Princess Peach crowns, painted a ? block for a photo backdrop, made clouds and a warp pipe for the photo back drop, and other little crafts. Derrick painted Koopa Troopa shells and little warp pipes he'd cut out of thin foam.
Derrick and Emma helped me cut out the coins, which took FOREVER.

Alexa's cousin helped by mowing the backyard and sweeping the grass off the back patio, Alexa helped decorate with Sophia and Emma. And miss 'Quattie Elizabeth decorated the front walkway in sidewalk chalk.
Derrick did made the sandwiches and other food prep, I made the batter and Emma cooked the cupcakes and Sophia helped frost them, I made the various ingredients for the peach cobbler trifle (two puddings and a crumble) and Deborah helped layer them, and Jared cut up strawberries.
Aliesha did the preparations on the reveal box, which was AWESOME, and Clarke put together the music, including fun songs for when we found out it was a little guy.
I really need SO MANY HANDS for my big projects like this. I'm very appreciative for everyone jumping in and helping out.








It got super overwhelming.

Between super high anxiety, stress to get it all perfect, tons of noise, people asking me tons of questions, having to greet guests while still prepping things, etc... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh.
People (ok, like three siblings) kept pushing to do the reveal, by yelling things like "LET'S DO THIS!" while I was trying to greet guests and show them around the new place at their request. Not helpful one bit. Frankly, super annoying.

I was starving, and by the time I actually was able to put something on a plate and sit down I was bombarded with people demanding it was time. Can I please breathe for a second? Maybe one minute?

When we did the actual reveal, I was so incredibly flustered. I was trying to figure out with Derrick if we were doing a recording, or going live on Facebook? Aliesha had told us to feel for the pole, and we had to hit it just right, or the reveal wouldn't work as intended. Clarke had told us we had to wait for the end of the music he'd prepared before punching it.

We quickly went live, handed off my phone, tried to shush the people yelling "DO IT!" while we waited for the music, felt for the pole, and suddenly it was time to punch it!
I was trying so hard to just be in the moment. That's something I struggle with. My brain is a constant barrage of thoughts, often competing. I tried to be there, not listening to everyone yell, not worrying about the video of me going out to 600+ people, not worrying about what reaction I SHOULD have... but I failed at all that.

He punched, I flailingly punched as a reaction to his punch. Green came out. My mind went somewhere... Green? How do I react? What should I do? What is Derrick doing? Am I happy? Am I disappointed? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah.

So it looks weird on video. At least to me. I look like I have no reaction whatsoever. Instead it was about eleven different reactions at once.

If I had had a moment of clear thought, instead of rushing to please people, I'd have remembered to explain to everyone why we were doing bright pink and green rather than the blush pink and baby blue, as is usual.
I explained it after the fact to Derrick's grandma:


Firstly, I am just not one to do the exact same thing everyone else does.The nursery theme is Super Mario Bros (the video game from 1985), and so we decided to have the birthday party/surprise reveal also Super Mario Bros themed.
The male/female pair of the video game are colored Red and Pink, which are far too close for a fun reveal.
I've always preferred Luigi to Mario, anyway. I'm a younger sibling, and the younger siblings always got to be Second Player, which is Luigi. And in Super Mario Bros 2, Luigi has an extended jump in play, which is helpful, and made me love him more.
Therefore, green. 







But yay! A boy!


Now it's the waiting game and the debating what to name the sweet little guy. We have ideas, but it's not solidified. Less than 19 weeks time until we should get to meet him.

Friday, June 02, 2017

Aversions

I'm about 12 weeks along, which I've read is when most people have a doctor appointment. I, however, have no money. No money + no insurance = no doctor appointment this week.

The intense hunger symptoms, and the subsequent pains, have subsided. HALLELUJAH.

I had my appetite back for a second there, which was nice. But I'm back to aversions and taking two bites and not wanting the rest. Now it is hit or miss. Maybe I'll actually want the thing in front of me, maybe I'll want to throw it away.

A couple of days after finding out I am pregnant, I suddenly gained 9 lbs along with the horrible bloated feeling. I dropped those 9 lbs, and 3 more. Haha, so, uh, I'm going to end my first semester weighing less than I did beforehand.
I know they say I should gain like 15-20 lbs, but I'd be just fine with losing 15-20 lbs instead, haha. My pants are getting tight already, which is unfortunate because I can't wear my usual dresses at work. It's supposed to be yoga/athletic pants. So we'll see how that goes.

I got a new job, which I start tomorrow. I haven't told them about Señor. Maybe I should have? Oh well. I guess I'll have to in about 6 weeks, when I learn if Señor is a Señorita. Derrick doesn't want to announce publicly (as in Facebook) until then. He wants to do a gender reveal party, and film the reveal, and then post that. So we'll see.

I'm feeling pretty good nowadays. I can definitely feel when I overdo it, like while we were ripping out carpet and stuff out of the house we are going to move in to. The pain I was getting was like a stitch in the side while running, but in my lower abdomen. Oops. Too much. Otherwise, just little twinges or feeling like I've been doing crunches. Hopefully good signs that things are growing, right?

My worry meter is still pretty high, but I've calmed down a bit. I'd be a lot calmer if I could get checked out, but that will have to wait until I can pay for it. My first paycheck is in a little over two weeks, so hopefully that'll be enough for bills and groceries to stock the new house, as well as check on this little thing growing in my innards.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

mutant sliver slice

I am starving.

I. Am.
STARVING.

None of this oops-I'm-hungry-again-quickly crap. Oh no. It is pure YOU-ARE-DYING-OF-MALNUTRITION every two hours or so.
Ok, I say two hours because that sounds normal pregnant-wise. In reality? More like 45 minutes after eating I start to get a twinge of man,-it-was-rude-of-you-to-starve-us-all-day from every organ in my body. Then after another 45 minutes it is ALL DRAMA. Nausea, light-headedness / faintness, stomachache, headache, human sacrifice! cats and dogs living together! mass hysteria!

They say have a cracker or two.

Ha!

They say you only need about 100 extra calories a day the first trimester, about 200 the second, and 300 the third.

Ha!

Nothing I've read prepared me for NEEDING FOOD EVERY HOUR or feeling like my insides were clamoring for the sweet release of death.

While simultaneously being grossed out at the thought of eating anything ever. Like at all. Nothing sounds good. Even when I'm in the actual process of chewing on something, I'm not committed to it.
I'm starving, but don't want to touch anything food related.

I have 3/4ths of a breakfast burrito in the fridge. I took four, maybe five bites? I wanted the burrito SO BAD, but when I put it near my mouth my entire digestive system shuddered and clenched in a don't-you-dare-put-that-in-here way.

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In other news, we told my parents about Señor on Sunday, 5/7/17. So that was fun. I'd gotten a little treat for them (cinnamon bears for Dad, almond M&Ms for Mom) and wrote a note that said "I'll be home for Christmas" with musical notes and the ultrasounds from last week.
So I guess it's "public" now. I'm not doing the Facebook sort of announcement any time soon. (Maybe June, on the anniversary of our first date? That's pretty cute, right? Or maybe not until Derrick's birthday in July? Who knows.)
I'm not out of the so-called "danger zone", as I'm just under 9 weeks along. But that doesn't really bother me, as I would probably be as open with a loss as I would be with a successful pregnancy. I think, at least. I obviously tend to live a little bit public.

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While complaining, I told my mom about the heavy G-force feeling (like going through a loop on a roller coaster) that was in my tummy. She said it's way too early for me to be feeling like that. Uhhhh... I appreciate that you had SEVEN children. It was also 30 years ago at the earliest. And I am currently feeling like this, and have felt like this off and on for oh, about a month. So I'm gonna go ahead and say that it's not too early.

I need to figure out trying to get insurance here and finding a doctor and all that. Ugh.


Friday, May 05, 2017

A flicker

On May 2, Derrick and I went to the ultrasound appointment.
I have been pretty worried that Señor wasn't growing. Not for any reason other than worrying is what I'm really, really good at. 
The nurse/ultrasound technician knew about my worries, so she said, "I'll just let you know right now, I see a heartbeat." Tears welled up.

Then they brought Derrick in the room, and connected the large TV screen to her monitor. She showed us Señor's heartbeat (142), and the little arms sticking out. She said Señor was looking great. So Yay!

After they do the ultrasound, they give all the pictures to their doctor on staff, and he goes over everything. I got the call from his nurse, who said the doctor looked over everything and confirmed a healthy single pregnancy. He said there are no abnormalities and the surrounding organs look healthy as well. Yay!

We are moving back to Utah this weekend, and will probably tell my parents about Señor when we get there. It'd be a bit obvious after a couple hours anyway, haha. I HAVE TO EAT about every 1.5-2.5 hours or I go from feeling fine to suddenly being in nauseated overly-hungry pain. Really really quickly. I'll be good and then bam! I'll feel grossly overly hungry.

At least the exhaustion has gone away, mostly. For now.


Monday, April 24, 2017

The long worry

Hey. It has been a little over two weeks since I learned about Señor. Only two weeks?! SHEESH. Feels like at least a month. Probably because I am a bag o' nerves.

(I also feel 12% bad about calling my embryo "Señor", if she turns out to be a Señorita.)

I am super good at panicking. Being anxious is just like my baseline of sorts. I'm terrified I'll lose Señor. I am almost to 7 weeks along, I know that there is a 90% chance of taking him to term at this point. And that next month it'll be closer to 97%, but I worrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy. I'm doing all that I know how to do to keep it. I cut out caffeine cold turkey. I avoid Listeria-susceptible foods. I drink water allllllll day long. I try to get in a walk (even if it's just a few laps around the grocery store before filling my cart) when I can.

I have an ultrasound in about eight days. I am doing everything I can to keep from convincing myself all these symptoms are a blighted ovum. I worry they won't find a little nugget in there. I worry they won't find a heartbeat. I worry.

As long as that goes well, and there is something flickering in there, I am hoping to have a blip of peace. After that I can sit back and continue to do all I can to keep Señor healthy.

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As of right now, symptom-wise, all is pretty okay. I haven't dealt with a lot of the things I've read other people deal with. All sorts of bloating, light nausea, light dizziness, going from fine to extreme hunger pangs to blech-don't-even-want-to-think-about-food within a matter of minutes.
OH, the one thing that bothers me more than others is my back. It's not actual back pain, it's...tightness? Like my back is slowly seizing up? But usually just when I'm on walks or reaching over the shampoo bowl to work on a client.

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I've been looking into cutesy announcements. D Rawk tends to have different ideas of what we should do than me. I show him things and he kinda goes, "Hmm". He doesn't emote much, unless he doesn't like something...so it's not always easy to gage how into an idea he is. (Or how into a show he is, or how much he likes the meal I've cooked, or how his day is going, etc.)

I want to see if we can hold out until we move to Utah in July before telling the family. Derrick immediately told his brother. I immediately told Deborah. (We both needed that support, I think.) I will be about 17 weeks along (that is without any date changes that may happen from measuring at ultrasound), only a couple of weeks away from the anatomy scan that may tell if my Señor is a Señorita. So it would be fun to be almost half-way done when I tell everyone. :)

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Señor

So... I'm pregnant.

I wasn't going to test because you get your hopes up, even when you tell yourself not to. Even if you decide you're going to test just to show yourself you're not pregnant, and you can stop questioning things.

I tested April 6th and it was negative. I texted a picture of it to my husband and to my sisters, because boooooooo.
I tested April 7th and there was a faint something.
I tested April 8th and there was a definite second line.
I tested April 11th and there was a dark second line, which appeared quickly.
I was tested April 11th at a clinic, and was told it is indeed positive.

Holy crap. I'm pregnant.

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The first several days I had such a low heavy feeling. Like when you're on a roller coaster and it's going uphill quickly? That pressure pushing down on you. But just in my lower abdomen.

Then light nausea and slight dizziness. AND SO MUCH BLOATING. I'M ABOUT 3.5 MY USUAL SIZE. SO MUCH BLAAAAAAHHHHH.

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I told Derrick, and he is, ya know, pleased with the idea of having a family, it has always been his life plan, but this soon was not quite what he'd hoped for. The money, or lack thereof, is worrisome.

Actually, I walked into the office where Derrick was playing World of Warcraft, turned on the light and chatted with him, asked how the game was going, etc. Then I casually mentioned that I'm pregnant. He was kind of like, "Hmm, oh really?" nonchalantly. Then he wanted to see the test, then questioned the validity of the lines. hahahaha

I have an ultrasound in a little under two weeks, so we'll see how that goes. Fingers crossed that all goes well. As of right now I'm due 12/13, that may change after the ultrasound.

We've talked baby names since before we got engaged. He likes names that are short and ugly, haha. I like names that are long and classic. Compromise has been an interesting thing. We now have names for either a boy or girl, but I'm sure it'll be a fluid decision until we sign the paperwork.

As of right now, we call it Señor. (Because for the past few months we were growing a green onion in our kitchen, as one does. And we named it Señor Chive, as one does.)


(Wedding ring in the picture as proof it is mine. Plus I like my wedding ring, it is pretty.)