Tuesday, February 13, 2007

"Just let me know when I cross the line."

I decided my hairline was too dark, while the back was pretty blonde, so I asked my tiny (4'10"!) stylist friend, Nadia, to lighten me up. :) She did an all over color, which lifted my highlights even more. So, yeah...I'm totally a golden blonde now.
I wasn't sure how I would like it, because my skin color is pretty pinkish pale. I actually like it a lot. :) I haven't gotten to play with it a lot yet, but I'm pretty sure it'll become one of my favorites. I'm very sparkly now, as blonde reflects light a whole ton more than brown hair. (My mom even likes this color on me!)

I got my legs waxed (again, it's a masochistic addiction) and have decided that there is absolutely no other way to go about things. The pain goes away (eventually) and the results are wonderful. I haven't touched a razor to my legs since...October, perhaps? That is reason enough to let someone scrape hot wax over me and rip hair and skin away.

I usually refuse to buy clothes at Wal-Mart (not for any real reason, it's just me) but while grocery shopping last week I wandered through the clothing section (ok, to avoid people pushing their carts haphazardly down the large aisles) and noticed three different skirts on one rack, all cute, all my size, and all on sale for under $10. I bought all three. One is black and slinky, one is black linen, and the other is stretchy grey.

Last week I went on some errands with Irma and one of them was to a little nail shop down the block from the office. I had planned to just observe, but decided WHY NOT? I got my nails done by a short skinny 20-something Asian guy. Irma loves when they massage your hands, but I really don't think there is something less comfortable than to have a short skinny 20-something Asian guy rubbig lotion up my wrist and repeatedly sliding his fingers between mine. (Yeah...I'm not so much a touchy person.)
I asked to keep my nails pretty long because my fingers would look stubby if I had them any shorter. I got white tips, acrylic, and "gel"...which, I guess, keeps my nails shiny? As opposed to them slowly dulling, requiring me to buy clear nailpolish. It cost more, but I was trying to limit my actual conversation with the guy as much as possible. He said, "You will love it." so I let him do it. (After chiding me for not scrubbing my nails enough...at least I think that's what he said.) And I actually do love it.


Irma: "Ugh, I'm so tired. We should have office nap time."
Suse: "Agreed. You know what? One nice thing about having a large chest--built in pillow. Until you want to sleep on your tummy and suddenly your chin is enveloped by cleavage."
Irma: "...ok..."
Suse: "Haha, well...just let me know when I cross the line."
Irma: "Sunshine, you are so far from the line it looks like a spot."
Suse: "Hahaha, a spot? What in the heck?"
Irma: "Haha, I dunno, hahaha."

I'm listening to an infommercial for Yoga Booty Ballet, which is my favorite thing to do late at night, when I can't sleep. I flip through the stock market software, shoe inserts, and Magic Bullets until I reach a workout one with cool before & after pics. Oh, Elizabeth, I accidentally DVR'ed four hours of "paid programming." Oops!

In an attempt to remove negative thoughts and create some new goals I evaluated my life. I realized that I put effort into my appearance--hair, skin, clothes, nails, etc. but have always sabotaged myself when trying to slim down. In fact, the only time I managed to lose a large amount of weight was when I stopped eating entirely. Why? I mean, my sister (whom I am with at least a few days a week) is a dietician, for heavens sake! It's not like I don't have the knowledge or resources. I have a gym membership that I pay for each month but haven't stepped foot in there since around Halloween. I have a treadmill in my family room, I have an extensive workout DVD collection. I have the Winsor Pilates "Circle", I have the Billy Blanks BootCamp "Billy Bands", I have various hand weights.

I know I have very little "me time." During the week I am only home from 11:00 p.m. to 7:30 a.m., which really isn't enough time to get ANYTHING done. (I did about fifty gajillion [rough estimate] loads of laundry last weekend. Thank heavens. I was almost down to wearing my "Gem├╝tlichkeit ist [Dancing Pretzel]" shirt to the office.)
But when I want to wave my hair I can get myself up earlier than usual in the morning. Yet I somehow can't get myself to get up to go to the gym or even drag myself over to the TV to tae bo with Billy.

And then I realized: I've never really thought I could do it. Did I want to do it? Of course. Having the choice of an embroidered holiday sweater or a shoulder-padded suit dress in an entire department store? Being asked to leave a roller coaster because the restraint wouldn't fit over my large chest? Getting the niche of 'the friend' the short skinny girl brings with her? Being told I resemble Monica Lewinsky 1997, Anna Nicole Smith 2000, and Kirstie Alley 2006? Of course I wanted to do it. Yet I always sabotaged myself because of so many reasons.
I just really never thought I could do it. I had never been able to even imagine myself smaller than I am at the moment.

So I made the conscious decision to quit the negative thoughts. I can't do something if I keep telling myself I'm going to fail. I am starting (once again) with a new resolve.

My 5-year high school reunion is supposed to be in a few months. (So, uh, Amy...you getting on that? ;) ) I am going to reach my short term goal by then.


1 comment:

Amy said...

I THOUGHT that was coming up...I hope it's not in May because I will not be here. I might want to at least get in touch with some of the others though. :)