"I went to a friend's house, he said 'You have to sleep on the floor.' [Dang] gravity, got me again. You know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall."

Oh my heavens, I love Mitch Hedberg's comedy.
"You don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean 'no'?"
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While I was at work a few days ago a man came in the store with his wife. The man was dressed in tattered jeans and a dirty shirt with extra-long holes where sleeves may have once lived. Regardless of the airconditioning the mall's temperature is higher than usual because of the 105 degree heat we've been having. This caused the wife to complain about how hot she was. Her husband said, and I quote verbatim, "Should've let me pick out your clothes." The wife agreed. Let me say this again. The woman dressed in slacks and a clean shirt agreed that her husband, who was more appropriately dressed for a demolition derby than shopping for home decor, should have been the one to choose her clothing for the day. Hmmm, interesting. Does he do red carpet events, too?