Hi.
It has been better in the past couple of weeks, but man... I just really struggle with being a parent and a spouse. It is not my favorite roles. I don't know that I have a favorite role, but these aren't it.
I like my kids and my husband enough most of the time, I just don't want to have to exist here in this space in these roles all the time. It is the *constantness* of it all. I am always doing and failing and trying and sucking at it all.
There is no coasting. No just being. Everything is communicated and negotiated and parented and pleaded and begged and retaliated and on and on.
I watched my siblings be spouses and parents, which I'm grateful for because it really helped me have a realistic view of what it would be, but man oh man, it is night and day when you're the one in the hot seat.
Even just having to think about meals and snacks and what to feed someone ALL THE FREAKING TIME is beyond any interest level I have in the topic. I do it, of course, but blarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Like every hour and a half I have to do this. EVERY HOUR AND A HALF FOR YEARS. If I'm not actively preparing food, I am thinking about it. And I have been on various medications for the past few years that kill my appetite, at one point to the point of repulsion, which is extra fun. I don't want to eat, but I have to plan out and execute meals for you. And then meal plan for the rest of the week. And then grocery shop for those meals. And on and on.
I suck at all of the things. And I'm only getting worse at it. Cleaning, organizing, preparing, remembering, executing, maintaining, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.
I can't keep a space clean and organized to save my very life. Gun to my head, pick up this living room and keep it clutter-free for a week? I'm 100% deceased. Though the clutter and chaos makes me batty.
I am as textbook severe ADHD as I could be, not for a lack of trying. Which makes it so much worse, because though I can't keep anything organized, it makes me visibly and audibly angry when everyone else in the house doesn't try to.
Derrick's idea of a clean house is an empty house, and he is constantly making the world aware that he would rather throw everything away, rather than organize things. WHICH STRESSES ME OUT.
Stop the world, I want to get off. Is there a pause button? I just need a pause button.
I have started to plan out Easter baskets, because if I'm not planning for something fun in the future I am bored to the point of hating everything. Even if I plan it with intentional preparation and attention to details and shop everything with months or weeks to spare, Derrick will quickly choose some random things like the week or day before, like he does for all the holidays. So...yeah.
I'm thinking something to color with, something to construct (but not Lego, because I'm not ready for that), and a Spring outfit. They have had more than plenty of candy every single day of their lives thus far, so I'm not sure I'm going to do a lot of that. We'll see.
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Today we woke up to it so cold in the house. The thermostat said 65, but my toes said 25. After some conferring with Mom, I called the people who had installed the heater in 2017 and they came out to check on it. Apparently some sensor had overheated and burned through its insulation? Something like that. So they replaced that. Yayyyyyyyy!
Jeremiah told me yesterday, "Mom, this might make you cry, but when you die I will go to your funeral. I will go to your funeral and I will cry. Does that make you cry?"
But today he said I am an idiot dummkopf and he will kill me with a gun and that he wishes I wasn't alive, so that's fun. Yayyyyyy for being this kid's mom.
I clicked in Astoria's seat belt and kissed her cheek. She said, "Are you being sneaky? Because I didn't say you could kiss me." Grateful for feeling her body autonomy and standing up for herself, but also, where is my tiny baby and who is this feisty teenager who replaced her?
Anyway. *sigh* I'm going to bed, so I can try to sleep a little bit before I have to do it all over again tomorrow.
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