"That's your Maybe Baby"

Early December 2024

On Jeremiah's birthday, December 2nd, I casually mentioned to Derrick that I was a few days late. He asked if I was concerned, but I said no, and it's just something to know because I'm usually super on schedule. But then I took a pregnancy test, just for funsies.
It was very positive. So I took another test, haha. It was also very positive. I took both tests into the office and showed them to Derrick and immediately started crying in panic. Joy, but panic (my age, our financial status, the age spread of the kids, etc). Derrick took the tests and said, "Well crap." hahaha. Then he comforted me and said it'll be fine. Then I went and dipped another test while Derrick was standing with me. Immediately positive.

I called Meridith and said, while crying, very flustered, "I tested pregnant. I took a positive test, a pregnancy test and it's positive." 

We wanted to tell the kids pretty much immediately, but it was Jeremiah's birthday. We had a few presents for him to open, so we did that little party first. Derrick told them that Mommy had some news and that I took a test today that would tell me if there was a baby growing in my belly and if there is only one line it means no, and if there are two lines then it is yes. Then we pulled out the tests and put them on the table in front of them. Astoria was SO EXCITED. Jeremiah stared at the tests with a blank face.

 Later he explained that he was a little bothered because he thought we were tricking him (??) and then was a little bothered because he hoped he was getting more presents, and was also a little bothered that the attention wasn't on him. Sweet guy. He told me at bedtime that even though wasn't super excited at first, he was glad he was getting a new little sister or brother. He said he wanted a sister but would be "kind of okay with a little brother", haha. 

I should have known something was up because I was happy and jolly through the days when I would normally be feisty and grumpy. Jeremiah's birthday party was November 30 and I told Derrick I'd need some extra help because of being grumpy and crampy and brain foggy and all that, but it came and went and I was more than completely fine.

I am delighted. I have wanted a third since Astoria was born.

I'm absolutely going to start crying typing this part out... We have been forced to have several "are we done?" conversations, and it's completely unfair. (not that anything is "fair", haha)
When Jeremiah was about seven months old, I think it was, I was anemic and had other things going on and had to be tested for uterine cancer. The testing involves scraping part of the inside of my uterus, so it can create scar tissue and my doctor said I need to understand it can have an effect on my ability to get pregnant. So we had to have a conversation of weighing the pros and cons and possibly being a one-and-done family.

I'm so grateful that the test results came back looking good, no cancer, and I was pregnant with Astoria about eight months later.

Then I had that very early miscarriage when Astoria was four months old in May 2020. Not ideal timing, obviously, but I was hoping that was the third baby I had wanted. So when it didn't stick around, I had fingers crossed for something about a year or two later.

Then the absolute CHAOS that was mid-October 2021 through about May-ish 2023. When a pregnancy would actually kill me.
I had to choose between bleeding to death (literally. My hemoglobin was at a life-threatening level of 6.4, which is half of what it should've been.) and going on medications to save my life, but the medication plan would involve birth control.

When we were on our trip to Colorado in June 2022, we were driving around Horsetooth Reservoir and I was so anemic again (the worst of it was January, but this was also pretty bad) and I had just had my scary episode of going into v-tach for about five minutes three days before then, so we were discussing the next steps and the use of the more involved medications.  (and if that didn't work the last case scenario was a hysterectomy.) and Derrick kept reiterating it is my body and I get to make the choices for it, but he would support what decision I made.
I cried a lot.

It wasn't really a choice, per se. Obviously I couldn't NOT try to stop getting so sick. Obviously I couldn't sustain a pregnancy at that level of sickness anyway, so I was just chancing not being there to raise my kids if I got pregnant and sicker.

So when I started feeling great again, back to being myself, and I made some comment about getting pregnant, Derrick was surprised and said, "I thought you already decided we were done?" and I said that being forced into something isn't really me choosing it.
I made the choice to stop the birth control because things were better and I didn't like some of the side effects and I would be more than okay with finding out I was pregnant.

So I'm very excited for this little one.

 

Early December 2024

Derrick has been sick for like two weeks. We went to see our doctor and he swabbed Derrick for Covid and the flu, but it was negative. Derrick told him that I'm pregnant and he said, "Wonderful!" and that he'd like to see me at about 10 weeks, which will be the second week of January.

He is still really sick and feels like it's getting worse, so we went to the urgent care on Sunday and she retested him for covid and the flu and again it's negative (that swab is violent, haha, and Derrick had a nosebleed for a while after.) So poor thing just has to do comfort measures of cough medicine and liquids and sleep...though he'll be so annoyed about it, haha. Derrick very much seems to think that the doctors should always be able to give you something to make it all go away quickly, despite reality being not that, haha.

 

Mid December 2024

I started sneezing my head off all day December 18th, but felt otherwise okay. But then I woke up on the 19th so sick. Because I'm pregnant Derrick was really worried about the fevers and how it may affect baby, but I also didn't want to take a bunch of medications that could also hurt baby... so I was doing ice packs on my neck and a bunch of things to cool down my core temperature, which would work for a while and then fever would return after a few hours. And sleep. I just slept off and on for the entire day.

On the 20th I was dealing with it all still, and a non-stop runny nose and itchy eyes and general malaise. Derrick asked me accompany him to his appointment with our doctor. So I did. While we were talking with him, our doctor turned to me and asked, "Can I pick on you?" and said he wanted to test me. He reiterated that the tests are annoying because they have a high chance of false negative, so if they're negative it might still be positive. But if it's positive then we would know for sure how to proceed.

He came back in the room and said something like, "Well, dang it." and I asked, "Negative?" He responded, "Nope. Positive for Covid."

Well. Dang it.

So I have Covid for Christmas. Yayyyyyyyy.

He is starting me on Paxlovid because I'm within the first few days of symptoms, so I made sure to ask that it would be okay for baby. He said yes, and that lack of oxygen would be far worse for baby. Eek. So I have strict instructions for going to the ER if my oxygen gets and stays below 92 (usually if below 90, but he said because I'm pregnant he is saying 92.)

I asked if he would send me for a viability ultrasound because my parents are coming for Christmas, and I'd like to be able to tell them about it. He said, "Absolutely." and had his MA set it up. So I'm excited (and nervous, as always) to get to go see teeny tiny baby and how things are going.

When we told the kids about the positive pregnancy test, we explained that it was really early and that things can go wrong, because we wanted them to be excited with us but also be prepared emotionally. So the kids have been excitedly talking about their "little sister or brother", but also randomly saying, "Baby might be dead, but hopefully it's alive." Ack. One afternoon Astoria pointed to me and said, "That's your 'maybe baby'", which stuck. We call it Maybe Baby. We love our Maybe Baby.

 

Late December 2024

It's in there! MaybeBaby has a heartbeat! Yay!

We went for the ultrasound on December 23rd and I could hardly sleep the night before because of excitement and nerves. The MA had set it up as a 20-week anatomy scan, *sigh*, so I had to play phone tag while trying to get it arranged properly, but things worked out. The Provo clinic was too full, so I was scheduled in AF.

We dropped off the kids with Meridith and headed down there together. The sonographer was...eh...less than pleasant.  After showing us to the room she asked why we were there and I said I just want to check viability and make sure things are okay. She said, "Why? Why is your doctor concerned?" I said, "Well I'm 40" and she goes, "Was this planned?" Excuse me? Why is this your business, lady? Derrick responded about we weren't avoiding it and if it happened it happened. She responded, "THEN YOU WERE TRYING." Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh, Lady.

She was annoying. She asked over and over when I thought I was due and when I got the positive. She said it was small and measuring behind. I asked if there was a heart beat and she responded, "Well, yeah." and then said that they really want to see it higher. It was 105, which isn't *terrible*.
I started crying, nothing wild, just a few tears rolling back into my ears as I laid on the table bed thingy. The lady said, "You really need to calm down. The very worst thing you can do for your pregnancy is stress out right now." I told her, "If I could be less anxious, I would be." I wasn't making a sound or doing anything other than trying to do a few slow breaths. She told me no fewer than five times, "You really need to calm down." She said, "If telling you things isn't helping then I'm not going to tell you anything anymore." Sheesh, lady.
I asked to take a little video of the screen and she said no, then made fun of people who wanted to take pictures and said, "It doesn't even look cute this small, it's just a blob. But I'm going to print out some things for you."

I read the radiology report in the hallway while waiting for Derrick in the bathroom, and I got nervous that the report said baby's yolk sac was large. Which led to me Googling things and got scary results. Apparently a large yolk sac in some research groups has concluded with a 30-40% fetal demise, or something like that. So I started crying and panicking. Because that's what I'm good at.

I have cried basically all night about it. I'm a mess. But that's just out of nervousness/panic. There is a huge chance things will be totally fine. I really, really hope things are.

 

Christmas Eve 2024

My doctor called and emailed and said things are looking good and he is pleased. PHEW! He said baby is small, but there is also up to a 5 day room of error in measuring when it's this early and that I could have ovulated a little later than I expected. He's not concerned. I'm still nervous, because I will always be. Things will never be a guarantee, so I will always be at least low-key nervous. But it's such a relief for my doctor to not be concerned.

We gave my parents a basket of our favorite treats and things from Trader Joe's and the large card said "Merry Christmas, Grandma and Grandpa! Love, Astoria, Jeremiah and Maybe Baby" It was sweet to be able to tell the entire family at once. My nieces were so excited and so cute about it.

 

Early January 2025

I'm starting to look pregnant and really, really feel pregnant, which is fun. I've noticed that I'm even starting to walk a little more leaning back, like I'm countering the front weight being heavier. Probably just that fun bloat that comes with it all, but I am only a few weeks away from second trimester and this is my third, so things have definitely popped out faster. I love it. I'm so excited for this.

Astoria has been so sweet, she is so excited to be a big sister. She covers me in blankets and has rubbed my legs with lotion, to take care of her little sibling. She is just the sweetest and is going to be a great big sister, I am looking forward to seeing her in that new role. She's so delightful, I just love her.
Jeremiah has said multiple times he hopes Maybe Baby is a little sister. He's getting old enough to handle things and help me and he will be awesome at this. My sweet babies.

I'm feeling great, absolutely great. So incredibly tired, I could sleep in until noon and go to bed at 5, haha. Also my face is breaking out like crazy, like it did when I was pregnant with Jeremiah. Maybe this is a little guy like my sweet MyMy? Astoria's pregnancy had me feeling so headachey or gave me a stomachache every day, but my skin was great, haha. But I feel great and happy and delighted overall despite achy breasts and painful nipples that make me gasp if accidentally grazed, haha. Makes it a little hard to have my sweet daughter cuddle on me at bedtime, haha, but otherwise I feel great. I am happy.

 

January 12, 2025

The nervousness is the worst part of pregnancy. Tonight I had some spotting, which has thrown me down a rabbit hole of research that is very it-could-go-either-way. Ugh, this is hard. Please be okay.

 

January 13, 2025

More light spotting this morning. I woke up feeling no symptoms. I told Derrick I didn't feel pregnant anymore. He told me to call the doctor's office and see if I could come in, but I already had an appointment set for later in the morning, so they said to just stick with that. Tears lightly flowing all morning.

My doctor explained that he would use the doppler and possibly his little ultrasound, but he said his isn't strong, so if need be, he would send me down to the clinic that had the stronger machines.

Nothing on doppler. No good visibility with the ultrasound. 

There was several hours between that appointment and when they could fit me in down at the clinic, so we planned that I would pick up Derrick early and then we would drop the kids off at Meridith's house. We went down to the Provo clinic and was surprised to suddenly have a $90 copay before we could do anything. The details of our insurance apparently changed at the beginning of the year, so there are now copays where there wasn't before, and the copays we had before are now double what they were. Ugh. So we paid that and headed back to the ultrasound room.

The tech pulled the screen way down to near my knees and I couldn't see anything she was doing. She spent a long time doing all the measurements she needed. I told her I was scared I'm losing my baby, so blind twice if you see a heartbeat. She stayed stone-faced and said she'd get this information to the radiologist and I would hear from my doctor.

UGH.

Because it was on the way, on the drive home we stopped for a second to see the location of a restaurant Derrick wanted to check out sometime. While in that parking lot I saw that the radiologist report was already uploaded. I read it out loud. "No fetal heart tones detected." I absolutely lost it. Loudly sobbing. Derrick said to switch places, he would drive home. I agreed and got out and fell into his arms behind the car, crying and shaking and crying.

We stopped to pick up the kids from Meridith's house and told them the baby died. Jeremiah ran back into their house, declaring "our baby died!" with a shocked look on his face.

When we got home Derrick got everyone a drink and had us raise a toast to Maybe.

 I am not okay.

 

January 16, 2025

Last night I had to go through labor pains for five hours and go through the process of passing my dead fetus. I'm not done, I only lost blood, a lot of blood. So I still have days of this nightmare before I can take a deep breath and start healing. I am a walking coffin.

I cry all day, every day. From small tears to moments of full on wailing. I'm not okay. 

 

late January 2025

I had to go through two rounds of abortion pills to clear the pregnancy. I went to my nephew Parker's wedding lunch right after the second dose, while cramping and bleeding and going through it all. I wanted to support him and be there. I also wanted to not draw attention to myself, even with what I was going through. But I couldn't stop the tears. I felt terrible physically and emotionally. My dad kept trying to take a picture of me and I kept refusing, really annoyed. He told me to smile, I said "No, why would I?"

It's hard to be going through something that *most* of the people around me won't understand. 

It feels like everyone has beyond moved on, and I am so far from that.  I am not okay. I miss my potential family member. I miss being pregnant. I hate that I don't get to finish it and have this little one with me.

I was going to do a cute social media announcement post on Valentine's Day. Maybe was going to be born on my birthday (or close to it.) I am very sad. 

I have the best friends in my life, and I am so grateful for them. I have gotten the kindest messages and I appreciate them. Caroline and Megan brought dinner, which was so, so, so helpful. Jessie brought over a bag of snacks and foods and it was right when I was in bad contraction pain and was so incredibly appreciated. Amy and Megan took the kids for a while while I processed everything. Emily helped me clean the living room, which had become an absolute disaster. 

 

I spent about a week in bed in a daze. I'm slowly coming out of my antisocial bed troll mode and trying to get back into life. It's not easy. I'm not doing well. 

I am so sad. I just want my baby back. (and yes, that makes me start singing the Chili's song.)

 

February 18, 2025

Hi. I can be around people again. I can be social. I can talk about Maybe without sobbing. It was sad to have Valentine's without getting to do the post about them, like I had planned, and I had some tears about it.
I miss them terribly, but it has become like a nice dream I had. It has already been a month, which is bonkers, and my hormones are leveled back out. I don't know if I'll ever be pregnant again, and that's an extra layer on top of the grief.
I am just trying to be the best mom for the two kids I get to raise.

I love these two monkeys so much.