Monday, January 17, 2011

Pugnacious

I'm tired of being told I'm combative or argumentative when I'm just trying to express my opinion.



My father doesn't like any sort of contention. My mother thinks emotionally rather than rationally. However, I think rationally and stir up contention. (Yeah. Imagine just how fun it is for me to try to be understood around here.)

The most frustrating thing ever is being in a conversation/argument and feeling like you're not being understood or listened to.
My mother is master of the eye roll/chuckle combination that drives me batty. My father is notorious for the "alright, alright, enough!" hand wave that signifies he has checked out, no further argument will be heard, you've lost.

Why I'm hurt after arguments is rarely because the subject at hand, but ecause of the way I'm treated.

My fathers medium is guilt trips, my mother uses absolutes (you never, I always)
And if I disagree I'm labeled combative.
Not to insinuate I'm by any means perfect...I certainly have an I'm Always Right complex (because, come on, usually I am.)

But again, its rarely about the actual subject of the disagreement, its the way I'm treated during that really hits me.

I'm loud and brash on the outside, really shy and sensitive inside. (I have walls, fa├žades, defensives built up since being teased, taunted and bullied in school from ages 7-13...but thats a whole nother post.)
I have neer been good at communicating my feelings, especially verbally.
I recall once when I was about 11 my  mom got mad at me about something and, while sobbing in my bedroom, I wrote her a letter about what she'd perceived had gone on, what I felt actually happened, and why I was so sad she yelled at me.
I gathered enough composure to bring her the note. She read it and laughed. I can see now why she would've laughed at being delivered this note, I'd have laughed if I were in her position. But those chuckles made me cry harder. I felt I just wouldn't be taken seriously.


Anyway...just my thoughts after a frustrating morning of feeling guilted and then told I was arguing (when I wasn't. I was clarifying why I was saying what I was saying.)

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