Friday, August 14, 2009

forced recognition

I didn't want to join the ward because my friends (other than Amy) are no longer in there. It is full of younger siblings of my friends -- people Meridith went to school with. I am now on the older end of the ward. (So weird.)

My singles ward tends to get together quite often. Besides the usual church meetings they have ward prayer followed by game night on Sundays, Thursdays they have sports night, and various planned activities every few weeks, as well as spur-of-the-moment get-togethers.

For the past six weeks or so I attended Game Night with my little sister, Meridith. They usually play signs, which I refuse to play. It is only for this reason: I would suck at it. Having to remember my own sign, letalone twenty others, is an unnecessary burden on my short-term memory. And the very thought of being the person in the middle is terrifying.

Every time I left game night I'd be mildly annoyed, and I'd talk to Mer about it. I told her that I hated that no one talked to me, no one got my jokes, no one even cared that I was there. Meridith tried to explain that it was just because no one even knew me.

I wanted to hold these people at arms length, but have them get to know me at the same time. Uh...

About a week and a half ago, in a fit of frustration, I IMed my little sister (from different rooms in the same house, haha, thats how we do) and told her I've decided to be proactive. "Proactive about what?" What did she mean 'what'? The thing I told her about 45 minutes ago, which I am apparently still stewing over and would she please read my mind already?! I told her that if I'm going to ask them to get to know me I have to let them be my friend ("at least facebookishly, haha")

So I added about 15 ward members to the cult-like following I consider my FB friends list. (bwahahahaha) And decided on a personal goal to go to every ward activity/planned outing/spur-of-the-moment get-together I heard of.

Also known as the day I took crazy pills.

Lets take me, the social phobic who hates being in these situations, and throw her self-invitingly into these exact situations.

It is incredibly difficult.

For the first time in my life I feel directly compared to Meridith. Her best qualities against my worst. In these groups Mer is quick to smile, very sweet, asks how you're doing, how your job hunt is going/mom is doing/test went. In these groups I tend to go into a defensive mode. I'm overly loud, snarky, and dismissive...or I stand in the corner, silent.

Everyone knows Meridith. No one knows Susannah.

5'8", slender, can quote scripture/conference talks, loves all things Jane Austen, clothing varies from June Cleaver dresses to mens cargo shorts, speaks in correct grammar.

5'10", chunky, can't even tell you where to find the book of whomever (thank heavens for a quad with tabs), loves all things Marilyn Monroe, clothing varies from Anna Nicole Smith dresses to Darth Vader tshirts, speaks in movie quotes.

So I'm trying to be friends with my little sister's friends.
Susannah: "I just texted [name], [name], [name] and [name]. Is that weird to you?"
Meridith: "All guys I've been on a date with. But no, thats not weird."

Uh...well its weird to me.

I have a really really hard time being just myself with new people. I am a quirky one, and my personality can be hard to get sometimes. If I'm nervous all my bad quirks come out. I say the stupidest things, putting my foot in my mouth all the time.

Ward member: "...but I have trust issues with men. I've been literally scarred because I couldn't trust men I've dated, so I have trust issues."
Susannah: "You were literally scarred by mistrust? ...can I see it?"

I have enjoyed a lot of it. I really have.

But my timing sucks.

A large portion of the people I've been getting to know are moving out of the ward in the next few weeks.


I'm not really good enough friends with anyone to really stay in close contact...I mean, I could try, but it may be just...I dunno. Weird?

Aaron: A good friend of ours is moving.
Susannah: And that'll be the last i'll see him.
Aaron: It doesn't have to be.
Susannah: hahaha. I often force myself into peoples lives...doesn't mean I should do it, sir.
Aaron: lol good point

(edited, but still the general idea of the conversation)

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