Thursday, April 17, 2008

fanciful formation

I am 23-years-old, 5'10", and an hourglass shape. I should be at my absolute peak. That's (1990's) model criteria. Instead I reflect Anna Nicole pre TrimSpa x32.

I've had a rough afternoon. My heart has been hurting off and on again. It's a weird pain, like the feeling you need to pop your back, but left-of-center in my chest. And then I started reading my fathers blog posts about his health problems; and my friend's mom just died on Friday, so I started crying and really haven't stopped. I know I have nothing but health problems in my future if something doesn't drastically change.

I jumped on my treadmill and ran for a while. Even with my inhaler I haven't been able to pull in a full breath since then. Ugh.
Susannah: I just saw a commercial for my inhaler. It "increases chances of asthma-related death" lovely.
Tashina: hahahaha oh my goodness
Susannah: So I can either die from running without it, or I can die from it.

Ugh. I'm sick of not being able to breathe. I'm sick of being in pain and having nothing come of it. This sucks. It's so much easier to just not eat, haha. At least when I wasn't eating anything (early 2005) and working out daily I felt some sort of control over everything. I quickly dropped 45 lbs and was complimented on my "will power". (Except from my mother, who actually said to me, "I'm worried you have not worked out today." When I had run for two solid hours the day before, and had only had a Diet Coke and a popsicle.)

Susannah: So I'm giving myself until Christmas to lose 50 lbs. ...or I'll cut off a toe.
Susannah: hahaha, it sounded like it needed a threat.
Tashina: hahahaha
Tashina: which toe?
Susannah: next to the pinky toe.
Tashina: good idea
Tashina: no one would notice it gone
Susannah: Yeah, he's never been any use to me anyway
Tashina: yeah

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