Sunday, November 18, 2007

REWIND

Meridith says
I showed a picture of you to my friend JJ and told her about the Biggest Loser thing [applying for the show], and she's like, "what?" like it didn't make sense
Susannah says
Ah, but then did you show the pictures of my 79 inch THIGHS?! hahahahahahaha
Meridith says
hahaha. oooo, but aren't you glad you have a skinny face rather than the other way around? a 79 inch face? hahaha
Susannah says
IT'S LIKE AN ORANGE ON A TOOTHPICK! IT'S GOT IT'S OWN WEATHER SYSTEM!
Meridith says
seriously. they'd be like, "Hi Susa..... uhh..."
Susannah says
hahahaha. My thighs arent really 79 inches, don't spread rumors. They're 78.25
Meridith says
oh.....you exaggerater

---

Susannah says
This is the back cover art of my CD for my debut album.
Meridith says
and what are you playing in your band?
Susannah says
jaw harp. If my lips don't get in the way.
Meridith says
hahaha, you hope your lips don't get in the way of your jaw? hmmm
Susannah says
I have a complicated anatomy.

---

I tried to correct them and say the people were bloodied and dying, there is no way they were washed up corpses! I was quickly silenced by the government.

---

Sarah: So guess what
Susie: You got a package from a mysterious stranger, with a note instructing you to not open in until next Christmas ?
Sarah: No, but if I had, it would have driven me absolutely crazy until I opened it with such anticipation that I practically shredded it to bits with my bare hands.
Susie: Thought so.

---

Sarah: I think it's a tough call. On the one hand, Mc is in a lot of ways related to McDonald's so they should be able to hold the rights to it, but on the other hand the prefix "Mc" has become some interwoven in colloquial language today that it doesn't seem fair that they get to control an entire prefix that is now just a natural part of the language.
Susie: True, sometimes I think it’s out of control when it comes to McDonalds. Especially as it was named after a surname to begin with. However, in the case of Apple and the "i...", I'm biased of course, but I stand in Apple's corner.
Sarah: Right, "i" is much less likely to become a part of language the way "Mc" has. I guess we'll have to see what the court says. I think it goes without saying, however, that Apple should've had a little more foresight on the matter. If I were them, I would copyright every single word in the dictionary with the letter 'i' in front of it. iWaffleIron, iMattressPad, iArtificialHeart, etc.
Susie: Oh, agreed. I was so looking forward to my purchase of the iBreastPump when the time came.
Sarah: HA HA HA HA HA
Sarah: You know it will be stylish, and of course it will have a lovely apple logo somewhere on it. But I'll leave that up to your imagination.
Susie: I'm really interested in whether they go with the food-based colors (strawberry, tangerine, lime) as they did with the 2nd generation iMacs, or with the sleeker solid white (or even the sleek solid black, as they now offer with the new Powerbook)
Susie: Steve Jobs is brilliant, I say! He will know whats best. I think he'll probably choose the food-based colors.
Sarah: Well, food-based would look much more stylish, and if you're going to look like a feed animal with one of those on, you might as well do it in style.
Susie: I'm just stuck in that life long debate of: Tangerine? or Strawberry?
Sarah: I think the choice goes hand in hand with skin coloring; naturally, for me, tangerine would be a disastrous choice, whereas strawberry would go well with my peaches and cream skin tone.
Susie: I guess it would all come down to whether or not I find a penchant for tanning lotion
Sarah: True.

---

Mom: "Have a hot glass of Tang and get in bed. Do you have Tang?"
Sus: "No, but I have hot chocolate!"
Mom: "...Not quite the same."

---

While getting my legs waxed, my aesthetician broke one of her application sticks over my calf. I bust up laughing and she embarrassedly explained to the aestheticians around her that she had pushed too hard. I said it was because I'd flexed my amazing calf muscle.

---

Gina: "When you start talking fast I can't understand you."
Sharon: "It's just that when you talk fast you tend to mumble."
Susannah: "That's OK, when you speak I lose interest with your slow thought process anyway and stop listening."
Sharon: "Well rawr."
Gina: "Can you just forget that you were an auctioneer in a previous life?"

---

Just because a 5'10" girl rocks a pair of 4 inch pointy-toe heels, it doesn't mean she is incredibly confident in towering over the "average" height guys around her. Comments about her freakishness are not necessary nor warranted. Maybe she feels like a Hobbit in flats? Or like Ronald McDonald in anything rounded-toe? You don't think she gets enough of that from her father and brothers, who tell her that if she wears heels she will never get married because guys are just too intimidated by her? How about you and your 5'6"-5'11" selves just get over the fact that she's taller than you when wearing heels and shut up about it? But thanks for playing.

---

Irma: "Ugh, I'm so tired. We should have office nap time."
Suse: "Agreed. You know what? One nice thing about having a large chest--built in pillow. Until you want to sleep on your tummy and suddenly your chin is enveloped by cleavage."
Irma: "...ok..."
Suse: "Haha, well...just let me know when I cross the line."
Irma: "Sunshine, you are so far from the line it looks like a spot."
Suse: "Hahaha, a spot? What in the heck?"
Irma: "Haha, I dunno, hahaha."

---

I did about fifty gajillion [rough estimate] loads of laundry last weekend. Thank heavens. I was almost down to wearing my "Gem├╝tlichkeit ist [Dancing Pretzel]" shirt to the office.

---

Nadia: "I wish every day was Valentine's Day."
Susie: "I wish every day was the day after Valentine's Day. Hello, cheap candy and flowers!

---

Irma: "I love email! You can communicate without having to communicate.
Susannah: "Welcome to my social life."

---

I told Irma that I bequeath my Got Milk? ad collection to her. Instead of the gratitute one would expect after the announcement of a bequeathment (bequeathity, bequeathityimentness) I received mocking for having a Got Milk? ad collection. I take it back! NO SOUP FOR YOU!

---

Melissa: "What did you do on your cruise? People drink, and I know you don't drink, so what did you do?"
Jayar: "Ate."
Melissa: "Did you gain anything?"
Jayar: "Yeah, I gained five pounds."
Melissa: "In a WEEK?! What the?"
Susannah: "Apparently Melissa has never lived through Christmas."

---

Note: It is difficult to eat cereal while breathing through your mouth.

---

Caroline: "Who does Honeyman like?"
Susannah: "I don't know."
Caroline: "He has to like a girl."
Susannah: "I don't know who, sweetheart."
Caroline: "You are just embarassed because you don't have a boyfriend yet."
Susannah: "Go to bed."

---

Caroline: "My uncle said that my Auntie Meridith is an alien."

---

I don't choose a movie just so I can sit in the dark and don't have to talk to me, I choose it because I know it is something I enjoy doing with me. Who better to spend some time with? I get along with me, I have all the same tastes. I understand myself when basing what movie to see completely on two hours of Nicolas Cage in leather. And I don't complain to myself when sitting in the second row, so close to the screen you have to look up...so close to a speaker you can feel the bass shake your heart...so close to the action you are practically in the movie. I don't complain because I like that, too.
I'm perfect for me.

---

Sus: "My favorite vegetables are potatoes and corn."
Liz: "Those aren't vegetables, they are starches."
Sus: "Hush up; they're vegetables to me."

---

Susannah: "You didn't see this."
Elizabeth: "What are you doing? Put that down!"
Susannah: "What am I doing? I'm licking this cream puff! Just watch me lick it."
Elizabeth: "Put it down!"
Susannah: "Watch me; LICK, LICK, LICK!"

---

The only email I've received in the last two hours was from a website I joined a few months ago, reminding me to keep track of my calories today. EVEN MY COMPUTER HAS TURNED AGAINST MY BOYFRIEND, TWINKIE. YOU CAN NOT STOP TRUE LOVE, LORD CHICKEN BREAST!

---

In a contest of the coolest friends I'm pretty sure mine would win. Putting up with my personality is no easy feat.

---

Caroline: "Auntie, you should call that guy who asked you out."
Susannah: "Uh, that's a HECK NO."
Caroline: "Why?"
Susannah: "Because he could be a freak."
Caroline: "You don't know that; he sounds very nice."
Susannah: "We could go to dinner then afterward he could KILL ME."
Luke: "Kill you, Auntie? The bad guys will kill you?"
Susannah: "Hahaha, oops. No, Lukie."
Caroline: "You should call him. You have always wanted a husband...or boyfriend. You should call him."
Susannah: "Hahahaha! You can call him, I'll give you his number."
Caroline: "Nooooooo!"
Susannah: "My feelings exactly."

---

Can't drive the car without brakes. Can't get brakes without money. Can't get money without going to work. Can't go to work without driving the car.
I tell you, the fun never ends.

---

Susannah: "Yesterday a strange guy called me 'Motha effing hot, and you know it!'"
Elizabeth: "Don't blog that."

---

Susannah: "DIE! DIE! DIE! ...I just couldn't kill it, so the cockroach has two smushed legs and is on his back doing this [lays on back, wiggling arms around]"
Elizabeth: "Just smoosh it."
Susannah: "I can't. So I'll just let is suffer."
Elizabeth: "That's much better."
Susannah: "I can't kill him, I can only maim him."

---

Justina: "What is it about you? They watch you fold pajamas and men throw their phone numbers at you!"
Susannah: "Yeah, I draw in the freaks."

---

It refers to the afternoon when Elizabeth decided to make me some dinner: hash browns with butter, cheese, onion, and sour cream. She called it Susannah in Food Form -- "If you could put Susannah on a plate, this is what she would be."

---

Susannah: "So I decided...maybe I just think I am smarter than I am. Ya know? Like how I think I am thinner than I am and bought a sucker-inner in a size too small the other day and spent the entire day not being able to breathe, and couldn't actually sit down until I accidentally ripped a hole in it? And was more relieved to be able to sit down than I was upset about ripping a $30 pair of pantyhose."
Meridith: "They were $30?!"
Susannah: "Ok, $24, and they're aren't pantyhose, they are a supportive undergarment...and you are missing my point!!!"
Meridith: "What was your point?"
Susannah: "I think I am smarter than I am, like I thought I was thinner than I am. ...Besides, they had one of those stupid size charts that have like a little Rubik's Cube design and are like, 'If you are 5'4" and 130 lbs you are a B; if you are 5'5" and 130 lbs you are a D' and I just hate those things. One inch and you are a different letter; what if I was all muscle, how could you tell my letter?!"
Meridith: "A Rubik's Cube?"
Susannah: "Yeah."
Meridith: "I don't think you know what you are talking about."
Susannah: "Yes I do! I know what a freaking Rubik's cube is! It's the little ball with the colors."
Meridith: "Ball?"
Susannah: "Not ball...you know, the square ball...thing."
Meridith: "The square ball? Hahaha."
Susannah: "Hush up! I'm sick and loopy."

---


We [8-week-old Ezra and I] got to hang out together today. It was much like any other evening with a boy: we snuggled, I kissed him a lot, he drooled on me a lot.

---

Susannah: "I want to go camping."
Elizabeth: "No you don't; what a retarded idea!"
Susannah: "Hahaha, ok...maybe I don't."
Elizabeth: "Why would you say that?"
Susannah: "I like camping ...at least the whole campfire and burning marshmallows bit."
Elizabeth: "You want a Family Home Evening in the canyon?"
Jayar: "What did she say?"
Elizabeth: "She said she wants to go camping!"
Susannah: "Or, ya know, marshmallows, smores, yeah..."
Elizabeth: "We can do that over the stove."

---

I've now learned that I can not stare at Brad Pitt standing a few feet away and correctly work my camera simultaneously.

---

Sus: "Oh, because I want to see Gerry Butler in it [Phantom of the Opera]."
Dad: "Is that your new boyfriend Gerry you've been talking about going to the movies?"
Sus: "YEP!"
Dad: "Until he is buying the popcorn at the movie I'm not going to get excited."
Sus: "Hahaha!"

---

Susannah: "Thanks for calling me back. Yeah, I was ummm...listening to Music of the Night on my way to work and I wasn't sure if it was my boyfriend Gerry or not."
Meridith: "Yeah, it's him. You've still got to see that. It's a pretty sensual movie."
Susannah: "It's gorgeous... and he's completely rawr."
Meridith: (singing) "Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation..."
Susannah: "I know! It's like Hush up, Gerry, I'm trying to drive!"
Meridith: "Hahaha."

---

Susannah: "Everytime I go to Wal-Mart at night I get hit on repeatedly, haha."
Elizabeth: "Why don't you turn these into dates? ...Because you don't speak Spanish?"
Susannah: "HAHAHAHAHA!"

---

When you are the only person in a full theater to laugh at a line in the movie you just know you've got a...unique sense of humor.

---

Susannah: "Ok, so I'm standing outside in my Prom dress and it won't zip up."
Elizabeth: "Haha, why are you outside?"
Susannah: "So I can hear you and it doesn't sound like 'lkcopadlskm adkalicaiod recalak mdlcnek fjcndcklmdl ckmdo'; anyway, it won't zip up! It stops at the chest! My chest is too big for my dress!"
Elizabeth: "When you're pregnant your ribcage spreads."
Susannah: "Well apparently my ribs are spreading a few years too early, because it's not zipping up!"

---

Susannah: "I'm getting a new roommate tomorrow"
Honeyman: "You are? Who is it? Whats her name? Is she cool? How do you know her? How did you meet her?"
Susannah: "Hello, 3rd degree? My name is Susannah..."

---

Susannah: "I'm bleeding! I'm shaping my eyebrows and I'm bleeding! I've never bled while tweezing before! Holy crap, beauty is pain!"

---

Travis: "I think you'd be fun to watch movies with."
Susannah: "Oh, I am my favorite person to watch movies with. I snuggle with myself all the time. I'm usually pretty platonic, but when it gets late..."

---

Danielle: "You are on fire. I need some advice! Tell me, Sue, how does one have a love life such as yours?!"
Susannah: "Ah, well, it helps to insult then ignore them. Also reject all advances while secretly pining for them. Works every time."

---

Susannah: "There comes a time in everyones life when they have to force other people to celebrate them. I do it all the time."

---

Susannah: "6 people using one kitchen? Holy dishes, Batman!"

---

Honeyman: "and now for my next trick I will be going to bed"

---

Susannah: "Apparently she was dealing [drugs] out her kitchen window, like a drive-through."
[AWKWARD SILENCE, EVERYONE LOOKS AROUND]
Deborah: "That is EFFIN' AWESOME."

---

I'm withdrawing my application for adulthood. I'll meet you by the swings.

--

Last night I dreamed Dolly Parton was my grandmother.

---

Caroline: "Hey, Emma, I'm hitting your boyfriend."
Auntie Susie: "Care, why are you hitting me?"
Caroline: "...I don't know."

---

Susannah: "I'm bilingual; I can say 'kiss me' in over four languages. ...oh, wait."
Our waiter: "I heard that."

---

Justina: "Have you ever noticed Susannah has man legs?"
Susannah: "Have you ever noticed Susannah can beat you down in five seconds?"

---

Susannah: "That would suck to have someone die 10 days after their birthday. I mean, you just got them a gift and them bam!"
Elizabeth: "Whats the difference between 10 days and 360 days?"
Susannah: "Usage."
Elizabeth: "What if you got them socks and they died wearing them. Thats not a waste."
Susannah: "But what if you got them a Fruit Of The Month Club membership?"

---

[VOICEMAIL]
Meridith: "Hi Susannah. I just wanted to call and tell you that its my half-birthday today. This is Meridith. Umm, yeah. And also did you know on your voice message you say 'call me back' at the end? But isn't that the point of, like, leaving a message? Just, just, but...I'm just wondering. But yeah, so, talk to you later.

---

Aesthetician: "Your eyebrows are really long."
Susannah: "Thanks, I've been growing them out."

---

Adam: "Wow, you have REALLY long eyelashes."
Sus: "Yeah, I've been growing them out for years."

---

Susannah: "Once funny, always funny! That's what I say!"
Meridith: "I see."

---

Amela: "What is a pork chop? What part of the cow is that?"
Susannah: "Bwa ha ha ha ha!"
Justina: "Ha ha ha ha ha!"
Amela: "What? Oh, is it chicken?"
Sus & Juju: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

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