Friday, February 02, 2007

this sentimentality doesn't look good on me/I thought that you would be begging to be with me/Im the one on my knees blubbering please let me stay-BNL

Am I overly sensitive? It's a real question. Am I? I'd like to know your opinion.
Is it odd that I can be brought to tears? Does that make me a wimp, or just far from stoical?

I find myself having to write "and then I cried" a lot. But I don't really feel like someone who you have to walk on eggshells around. I don't think I'm all that overly sensitive. Sure, a few things'll make me tear up: feeling overwhelmed, stress, most social situations, random TV shows [come on, who hasn't cried during Oprah at least once?], letting someone down, raging hormones, and being yelled at. (Why is it that the people who say they hate to make me cry are the exact ones who yell at me?!)

Or is it the opposite? Are the people around me COMPLETE IDIOTS when it comes to being the tiniest bit sensitive to something someone might be really worried about? I'm being convinced daily that this is the case.

When the idea was brought to me about suddenly dropping everything I was doing and moving 6 hours away, I was at work. It scared the heck out of me because it was such a huge decision that I had such a short time to make. Sure, I teared up. Not shocking. This was my entire life I was changing! I first turned to my manager and told her there was a strong chance I was going to be moving away in the next few weeks. She already intimidated me, so telling her this while I was already freaking out just made it worse. Without batting an eye she coldly said, "I'll lend you some tape to box things up." and turned away. I was shocked and the tears that were welling up rolled off my chin.

My heart has been hurting off and on for about a year. It is usually a pain that comes and goes quickly, but the other day it was sharp pains that lasted 5+ minutes. It freaked me out. I was Googling symptoms for a few minutes when I told Irma the pain felt like "when you don't chew a hard taco enough and it pokes into your throat...but over my heart." Jayar told me to quit hitting my chest with tacos. Yeah, sooo not helpful.

Just because a 5'10" girl rocks a pair of 4 inch pointy toe heels it doesn't mean she is incredibly confident in towering over the "average" height guys around her. Comments about her freakishness are not necessary nor warranted. Maybe she feels like a Hobbit in flats? Or like Ronald McDonald in anything round toe? You don't think she gets enough of that from her father and brothers, who tell her that if she wears heels she will never get married because guys are just too intimidated by her? How about you and your 5'7"-5'11" selves just get over the fact that she's taller than you when wearing heels and shut up about it? But thanks for playing.

I again lost in the battle of holding back the tears at my desk today. I found myself in a position where one of the THREE friendships I've developed in this city was suddenly being severed at the words of another person because of something that was said in confidence, but got around. I reacted as a human, as a girl, as a sister, rather than professionally, as an employee. Yeah, she shouldn't have said it, and she's acknowledged that and apologized for it. I shouldn't have reacted so personally, but I was really frightened that my friendship was completely shot. They are in short supply around here.
Lesson learned: accusing your boss of ruining your friendships doesn't get you on his good side.

He yelled off some crap about how I shouldn't have personal relationships in the workplace and how he is trying to run a business and if that means ruining my office friendships then so be it.
Call it bad business practices or what you will--but I think having friends in the office is MUCH BETTER than being around people that hate you. I can be more productive that way. I'm strange like that, I know.

Sure, I hate being yelled at. But I can get over that easily enough; just give me space for a while. But suddenly acting like you never said ANY hurtful things and the world is dandy and, this your soda? Wait, stop. I still don't like you, remember? Being a jerk then acting like you're always sweet--no go. He asked if he made me mad, I told him the truth--"I don't want to talk to you right now. Because I wouldn't talk to you as an employee, I'd yell at you as a sister."

I'm so stressed out and overwhelmed with everything going on in my life right now that if someone just looked at me weird I'd probably burst into tears.

Eh, I just needed to vent.
I will try to not be overly sensitive if everyone around me will promise to not be insensitive jerks. Deal?


Anonymous said...

★browneyedsue You are on TV now...

Sariah in Vancouver said...

If you are overly sensitive, then I am too... but then, I wouldn't be surprised if I really am. :S

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with that. I'm sorry that a friendship may have been damages. I'm sorry you have to deal with insensitive jerks. :(