"And technically...I'm not going to say anything for the rest of the time." Me, tonight, after repeatedly acting like an idiot

I'm such a dork. Why do I do this all the freaking time?!
I was ummm...warned? suggested? against it multiple times. But in typical obsessionville that is my brain I went ahead and got stuck. I said I didn't really mean it--which was true at the time. Unfortunately not as much anymore; Ugh. Blast me! Then I denied that it would have any effect and then suddenly it does! Why??? Ugh!
I don't want it to have any effect on me! I don't want to obsess about it anymore!

Dang, I hate it when I'm all cryptic and weird, hahaha. It always makes me sound like I'm doing drugs, or something, rather than the lame loving-a-random-TV-show, eating-a-Twinkie, crushing-on-Brad-Pitt type of things they are really about. Hahaha!


Sometimes I get depressed right around Midnight to 4 a.m.
Tonight it is my annoyance at the severe lack of initiative I have for any situation and how my fear of rejection rules everything I do:

I am freaked out to initiate anything- a smile, conversation, friendship, relationship--EVERYTHING is ruled by my fear of rejection. Down to initiating an IM in fear it would annoy the person. Ugh! And I don't know if it is my SAD, my personality, or just a weakness. It's annoying to wander around my day, staring off into space, waiting for someone to talk to me first. Oh, and my laugh, ugh! I laugh/giggle a lot when I'm self-concious, but my randomly giggling makes me more self-concious (especially when pointed out to me, or when I get asked why I'm laughing)! What a vicious cycle that is.

Oh well, I'll be chipper again by morning. :/