"Take the first step in faith. You don't need to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Tonight I was driving home with the radio on and had the goofy thought about my theory that everyone is a closet Tears For Fears fan, even if they don't realize it. I was laughing about it and flipping through the stations when I finally landed on one with a song I like. As soon as that song ended Tears For Fears' "Everybody Wants To Rule The World" came on.

It has always made me chuckle when something random comes up (say I think about a person I haven't seen in a while) and suddenly it is popping up everywhere (a friend mentions that person and soon I get an email from them.) That happens to me all the time. And so I chuckled while watching The Secret tonight and hearing that very scenario mentioned.

I really love this video. The whole law of attraction is being grateful for what you have, knowing what you want, and asking Heavenly Father to bless you with those things. However, you can't really ask for things without being willing to work for it.

They say be specific in your desires. Write it down. Picture yourself with it. The video gives the example of one man who made a collage (Vision Board) of his desires and packed it away. 5 years later his son asked about the box and the man took it out. He began to cry when he realized the house pictured on his collage five years prior was the very one he was now living in.

So that got me thinking. Had I ever made such a collection? Had I ever written a list like that? Had I ever made a life plan and turned it over to my Heavenly Father and said, "This is what I want. This is what I'm willing to do to achieve it."? And I realized that I had indeed done just that. I kept it in my purse for a year, so tonight I had to go through each pocket of all my old purses. Four years ago I wrote a list that stated:

DESIRE:
Open a salon

ACTIONS NEEDED:
Finish packets
Get good scores
Get a diploma/GED
Get a job
Save up for MANY years
Move to Las Vegas (into [house address]?)
Get roommate
Find a school
Get good grades
Do well on state exam
Get license
Write business plan
Find business partners/investors
Open by 2020
(Get married, haha, hopefully, by 2020)
(Stay on as owner, but stay home with kids)
(Retire by 2045)


Wow. I've nearly finished my list. And definitely not because of me. I hate change. I am horrible at accepting change. When I wrote my list I was living at home, procrastinating working on my packets to get my high school diploma. I had no actual motivation for planning my work and working my plan. But I wrote it anyway, knowing that if it was a righteous desire (I left off the millions in the bank, the mansion, the couple of yachts, the stealing from the underprivileged, etc) then it would be possible.

I have had very little to do with how far I've come. I merely showed up. Elizabeth and Jayar convinced me to work toward my GED without telling my mother. They also were the ones who got me down here. My parents are who took me on as a tenant in the Las Vegas house they own, and they convinced me to start school. I hadn't realized until tonight how each thing has been another move on my little gameboard of my life plan. On my end each all started and ended with crying, praying, and more crying. Eek, change!
"The hows are the domain of the universe [God]. It [He] always knows the shortest, quickest, fastest, most harmonious way between you and your dream." - Mike Dooley, writer (featured on The Secret)
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James Arthur Ray (whom I now completely love) said something I liked: "Most people look at their current state of affairs and say, 'This is who I am.' That's not who you are, that's who you were. (...) That's the residual outcome of your past thoughts and actions. When you look at your current state of affairs and you define yourself by that, then you doom yourself to have nothing more than the same in the future."

That's so true for me. I have failed in so many areas in my life and it keeps repeating because I've settled with the thought that thats just how I am. But it isn't really. I don't need to be a screw-up just because I have been in the past.

This week I realized I screwed up financially again. Again. For like the thirtieth time. I got so stressed out by it because I was sure there was nothing to do about it. I am nearly out of money, but I have household bills due and my rent is due this week, and my car's gas gauge is in the red. Tomorrow is payday, but I won't be back to work until Monday. And with no gas I couldn't drive out there just to get my paycheck this weekend. So basically I was at an impass. I cried and prayed and cried the entire way to work, so unsure about what to do.

Halfway through my workday the DHL driver brought by our paychecks. A day early. That has never happened.

So here we go: I'm not going to let my residual outcome of past actions define me today. I talked to the girls in the salon today. Actual, personable, long conversations. And I talked to my roommate tonight. Actual, personable conversation. I finally told her where I work and thanked her for leaving my dishes by the side, so I could do them this weekend. And I've started signing up for paying bills online, so I will remember to do it better, and I've started going to the gym with my friend Tena.
(Anyone who knows me well knows those are big.)
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I was watching The Secret with the girls in the salon and I've come to the conclusion that they just don't get my humor. At all. There is a line in the film that says, "Mother Theresa was brilliant. She said, 'I'll never attend an anti-war rally, if you have a peace rally, invite me." ... "So if you're anti-war, be pro-peace. If you're anti-hunger, be pro-people having more than enough to eat." (emphasis mine)

I chimed in, "Ah, but it won't fit on the signs as well!" (bwahaha) There was silence for a moment then someone asked something like "but why would there be signs?" Sometimes I forget I'm hanging out with hairdressers ;)