Saturday, June 16, 2007
you taught me what was right from wrong/i wanna give it a try/i've been in the nest for far too long/so please give a push and watch me fly-Hairspray!
My mother coming to town is torturous to me in ways no mother visiting her daughter should ever be.
I have such Mommy Issues. It seems my entire life has been one large seek for approval and being denied each time. It's like spending all day Saturday cleaning your room to surprise your mother, only to be told you forgot to vacuum and why is this up here? put it downstairs, and take your laundry down on the way.
I am convinced nothing I do pleases her. Except maybe playing with my nieces and nephews.
She wishes I had good time management; I am ten minutes (or ten days) late for everything.
She wishes I had good money manement; I am $19,000 in debt and getting more so everyday.
She wishes I would be on top of things; I procrastinate.
She wishes I wouldn't use credit; I have two cards.
She wishes I would be sweet with my roommate; I don't like her.
She wishes I kept my language proper; I have a habit of saying "freakin'" and "crap"
She wishes I would keep a conservative look; I have purple hair.
She wishes I would wash my hair every day; that's not how you keep purple lowlights purple.
She wishes I would get and stay organized; HA! has she met me?!
She wishes I would do my laundry every few days; It's been two weeks.
She wishes I wouldn't eat in my bedroom; sitting at a kitchen table by myself late at night is depressing. Besides, Conan is on.
She wishes I would do my dishes; DID THEM YESTERDAY = not good enough.
She wishes I wouldn't obsess or even care about celebrities; I have a 5-ft poster of Marilyn Monroe on my wall.
She wishes I would wear "sensible shoes"; I wear 4" heels.
She wishes I would get my diploma; I got my GED.
She wishes I would get my weight down; I still have 75 lbs I want to lose.
She wishes I would go to church; I hate going there because I don't have any friends.
She wishes I would be mature and confident; I'm immature and scared.
She wishes I was like Meridith...but I'm Susannah.
I am sure parenting is the hardest thing someone can do, letalone be my parent. I know I am a disaster child in some ways. But I am good! Sure, my room is messy, but I'm a good person!
We're just different personality types. She falls under the "shows/understands the receipt of love by actions/tasks" - do the dishes (correctly) and she'll beam. I'm not that. If you make my bed I'll just wonder why the heck you just made my bed. I fall under the "shows/understands the receipt of love by words", I think. I don't really know what I fall under, but it isn't making my bed. I mean, I do appreciate the actions that are meant to show love...but a new bedroom set that I have no say in the look of, although costing near a thousand dollars, probably makes a lesser impact on me than just sweet words.
I don't need to be yelled at for my room being messy. How about positive reinforcements? Instead of "I'm disappointed you can't seem to get your life in control." how about "I am pleased that although you have had MANY offers of cute little alcoholic drinks in bright glasses, you instead offer your services as designated driver." Or how about "I'm pleased that although the movie of your life would be rated a hard R for the language of EVERYONE around you on a daily basis, you are just having a hard time kicking your "freakin'" habit." or maybe just "You aren't actually the screw-up that I often, possibly unconciously, insinuate you are, I'm not going to yell at you about anything stupid like dirty socks on the floor ever again!" What a great idea!
Eh, it's just my frustrations at being far from perfect.
Too personal to post? Probably, but I need to do something other than sit and cry.