I'm not great at my job. I'm not even good at my job. I pretty much suck at my job. I forget about tasks quickly after being told, I have to be reminded. I try to get a lot of things done at the same time, which leaves me with a lot of half-worked on projects.
Jayar gives me partial instructions because they make sense to him, as he knows the surrounding information, and gets annoyed when I am stumbling around not knowing what the heck I'm doing. I'm the biggest procrastinator this world has seen, but I don't do it on purpose. That's me. I don't try to do it, in fact I am working very hard on not procrastinating everything.
Working with Irma is like living with my little sister, Meridith. Sure, we are doing different jobs, living different lives; but it's really hard to handle when the person next to you is SO MUCH BETTER at what they're doing. Case in point: Meridith was a High Honor Roll student--I never graduated high school; Irma is so up on our clients that she tells Jayar what he should be working on that day--I, however, missed another project deadline.
I don't play the dual roles of sister-in-law/employee very well. I take everything personally, which I'm trying to not do. I sometimes have a hard time with the respect I should have as an employee; if he ticks me off then calls me I have a inward battle regarding answering the phone. My natural inclination is to yell Bite Me at the phone and silence the ringer. Ha!
I really hate disappointing people. (Which I think is part of the reason I have such a hard time in the relationship with my mother.) So I'm having a difficult time with my absolute suckiness. Every time I screw something up and Jayar 'jokes' that I'm fired it's that much harder.
I love this company, I love this job, I love the projects I am working on. I just can't seem to do some things well. Anything well, really.
I really am trying. I have never once refused to call someone, regardless of my crippling fear of it. Sure, my dislike for it is well-known, but I have never refused. Jayar and Irma keep saying that I just need to do it more, and that I'd be more willing to do it. They have never had an anxiety attack over making a phone call, obviously. Jayar doesn't believe in such things as anxiety disorders. Fine, whatever, you have your opinion. When you actually HAVE ONE, then we can talk about their lack of existence.
I hate that I get so freaking emotional about things. I hate that I've been crying at my desk for an hour.
(Elizabeth, I removed the bookmark you put in Jayar's laptop...for a reason... ;) )
6 comments:
It was a delight reading your blog. I could partially identify with you. It reminds me of my first job as an elementary school teacher, without any form of training. Your story reminds me of life in general and our vulnerabilities... Some of us have too much pride to acknowledge that there is a problem and that it needs to be addressed. Sue, perhaps you should prioritize. Keep a listing of all the tasks that you have to accomplish for the day and hold yourself accountable.....
Thank you for your insight. It's not often that a "next blog"ger will comment.
I have lists. I have lists within lists. I am a ToDo-list-making freak.
It doesn't help when I often forget things before they make it to my lists. Haha!
I also have the problem where the simple act of making a phone call paralyzes me. Those who don't have it will NEVER understand, although I don't fault them for that. It's just difficult to wrap one's head around if one has never experienced anything akin to it. Doing it more often does not cure it for me and that kind of advice only frustrates me more.
So, you definitely have my sympathy there. I have to force myself to just power through it, especially when I work my third job where I have a long list of calls to make each day. Thankfully, they're all the same kind of calls so I have found that if I have some loose form of a script to work by that I can handle it at least a little bit better.
Frequently, I feel overwhelmed by everything I just can't do correctly or even half way correctly. I have to confess that I'm pretty shocked (and appalled!) that your boss would joke about firing you like that. That's just really never appropriate.
Also, there's no freaking way you have 110 pounds to lose. I've seen you - there'd be nothing but a pair of high heel shoes left!
Do you know how much I enjoy you, Laura? 'Cause it's a lot.
Thank you.
when i worked as a tele-surveyor in edmonton before i moved to calgary, i spent all of my shifts with my stomach in a huge knot. calling someone i know causes some anxiety, but strangers? and you know they don't want your call? yeah, i'm surprised i lasted as long as i did.
it's a good thing we have internet, otherwise you and i would never talk to each other because we're both agonizing over whether or not we should call each other.
oh, and i've decided, i'm coming to visit. i'm starting to go crazy here and i need a break.
I think the people who say anxiety disorders don't exsist, are really the ones that have them the most. I think, maybe, ok probably not,but it sounded good in my head
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