Friday, June 09, 2017

Angry panic.

Recently I've worried something is wrong with me. Actually, truly mentally wrong.

The older I get, the more I learn that how I think and act is far different from how others think and act, or what is the norm.

I had not realized until recently just how much anxiety runs my personality.

Everything I do or say and how I act with other people is all run by anxiety by some degree.

I am the angry one in the family. But that's been such a frustrating persona for me, because I do not consider myself an angry person! I am actually very chill!
But I get uncomfortable and awkward and then my voice sounds so much angrier than it is in my head, and I lash out in panic to escape the conversation.

Every single thing is about how it makes me feel. I'm constantly in a self-assessment mode.
I didn't know other people don't do this. I had NO IDEA. Apparently literally forgetting about yourself and going about daily tasks is normal.

I've been called selfish more times than I can count, nor care to.

And it HURTS SO MUCH. I don't usually try to be selfish. Constantly thinking about me and how something makes me FEEL is just my normal, it's just what my brain does.

I don't know how to shut it off!

I would love to not be in a constant self-assessment mode. I would love to not feel ganged up on and panic when more than one person demands (to me: demands, to them: simply ask for) an answer or general conversation.

It's incredibly frustrating when I try to explain how something was really hard for me because it made me uncomfortable, because other people tell me things like "that's ridiculous" and "so what" and "it's not all about you" and "get over it"


That time I surprisingly got dragged into the office of the head of my cosmetology school by my instructor because I had (unbeknownst to me) disrespected her by pulling out a book and reading when I finished my task early and others were still working? IT KEEPS ME UP SOME NIGHTS.

Not being uncomfortable and feeling like I know the rules and am following (or not stubbornness is my own) and that I have a little bit of control over situations (even if it's only over my own actions) is EVERYTHING.


I neeeeeeeeeed to feel okay.

If I don't feel okay, I stumble socially. I get louder. I get angry-sounding. I lash out. I need control over something, but it certainly won't be my emotions or my reactions, those suckers are running their own show.

"It's not all about you." Ugh, I hate that phrase so much. It is! How a situation makes me feel is 100% about me.
The assistant manager of my last salon said that while she was pretty much firing me. This conversation wasn't just about me. Stupidest thing I've ever heard. I responded that yes, yes it is just about me because this is my life. What you are doing and saying 100% affects me. Whether or not you chide another employee has no bearing on me.

I don't want to go to therapy. The wonderful woman who has helped me out, and diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder in 2002, and generalized anxiety and panic disorder in 2016, told me she wants to me start seeing a therapist. I don't want to. The very thought makes me anxious. (Shocking.)

Bleh. I hate people. I'm just going to become a hermit.

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